4th March 2017



(GEORGE’S 1st BIRTHDAY 8th MAY 2017)









(The FIRST 10)


1              Get born

2              Have and enjoy your first pooh. You deserve it after all you’ve waited nine months for it. Take time to develop your own style of poohing after all you are likely to spend 101.45 days doing poohs in your lifetime. Some dads do it reading What Hi Fi magazine, some dad’s do it whilst texting. Some granddads are not in there 2 minutes, its down and out, done. And mammas are the most amazing of all they are so in control when they pooh they do not pass wind. Try doing that if you can!

3              Seize the day and live life to the max. Make every minute count from 1 minute old

4              LIVE YOUR DREAMS!!!!!

5              Ensure you claim pole position as leader of the pack amongst brothers, sisters, cousins, mates. You must be ‘The Leader of the Pack’! But if you can’t be bovered with the pack being your own leader is sufficient. Whatever, never just follow.

6              Puke on , pooh on and pee on especially on Mamma’s favourite frock, it’s more satisfying, it’s more fun.

7              Flash! Bang! Wallop! What a picture. What a photograph! Remember photographs and films, funny, cute, beautiful It does not matter they are all valuable and add value to the brand. So take advantage at every opportunity to get in front of a camera. The cuter you are the better. If you can’t be cute be funny. Best of all be both. Get it posted on YouTube. If it goes viral it can earn big money. If your parents arecaring they will put it all in a trust fund for you and you will not have to work in life. Remember money is the key to a happy successful life. At the heart of that is Flash! Bang! Wallop! What a picture. What a photograph!

8              Go to Hay Literary Festival – You will not believe the experience.

9              Learn how to crawl – sucking up to the right people in life makes life so much easier. Crawling around the room has a similar affect.

10           Climb a Wainright. You don’t have to wait till you walk. Infact it’s advisable and more fun to do it before you can walk.  Mummy or Daddy or both will take you in a back pack or one of those sling things that fit on their front. How to make the most of it: Half way up have a screaming tantrum for no reason. At the top do one of your biggest and best exploding poohs. Half way down scream to be breast fed.



PART 2      No.’s 11 – 21




11           Get Mum to ghost write your “Thank you” letters

12           Work out all the people who will give you an easy passage through life – Stick by them at all times (Mamma’s is your best bet as a starting point. After all when it comes to you she’s is the most gullible person in your life.

13           Work out who will be tough on you through life – Avoid them   like the plague

14           Wait for a key important event like a meal at a restaurant with mum & dad’s friends, a friends christening, the middle of Sainsbury’s, when Grandma and Grandad take you out by themselves or an important church service. Any sort of an event where it embarasses Mum and Dad most and then irrationally, withourt reason, yell the place down as though you are being murdered. You’ll know when, your instinct will kick in at the time is right.

15           Decide on the football team/boy band you are going to support and stick with it for life

16           Get a real momentum rock going to a popular tune of the day in your high chair and tip it over so you fall out.

17           Become a genius like your Dad

18           Write a full length novel and go on the “One Show” to promote it after going into the Guiness Book of Records for being the first person under one years old to write a full length adult novel and get it published, and screenplay.

19           Eat, drink , sleep, fart, pee and pooh just when you want, where you stand sit or lie. You’ll never have chance to get away with it ever again in life, until you are Grandad’s age and then it’s no fum

20           Preserve your footprints for posterity. Like in mud, out in the garden, or dip them in indelible ink and run across the light coloured stair carpet. Also put your footprint on Mum’s best white dress or Dad’s white shirt. Finish off by dipping them in the ink and running across Mum and Dad’s bed. WARNING! Don’t do this at Grandma and Granddad’s it will not have the same affect. They will just think its cute. You do not want that, believe me you do not want that!

21           Take an irrational dislike to a close relative and scream whenever he/she is in the room or tries to pick you up


PART 3      No.’s 22 – 31


22           Freak someone out with that bit on your head that doesn’t knit until after you are born


23           Cut loads of teeth, then bite lots of people especially Mum, Dad, Cousins and Mum & Dad’s friend’s kids


24        Star in a successful Youtube clip like “Harry bit my finger”. It helps establish the brand. Makes you millions and you’ll never have to work.




26           Laugh! Always laugh and have a sense of humour, it get’s you through most things in life especially your balls ups! In two words Just laugh before your 1st birthday after it and forever and ever


27           Get down the shops and buy Mum a really cool card & pressie for Mothers Day. Make the most of it and the fuss that you get for someone else doing it. After you are one it will be your sole responsibility. Whoa be tide you if you forget and you will.


28           Get down the shops and buy Dad a really cool card & pressie for Fathers Day – to be honest this will be done for you. Same applies as for Mum’s Day but it won’t matter on this one if you forget


29           Get down the shops and buy Granddad and Mamma and t’other Granddad and Grandma a really cool card & pressie for Grandparent’s Day. (Just be nice for Grandad to get a gift, for once.)


30           All the things in this list are positive things. This is an exception, and is a negative but a major negative. Don’t trust your parents, right! How long have you known them? Just watch them. In what other situation would you appoint someone to be in charge of you and your life and make all your major life decision after only being introduced for minutes earlier. And you’ve not even seen or taken up references. I know your parents. Take care, I say. Be afraid very afraid, sleep with the light on and your eyes open


31           Have your first smile – Flash! Bang! Wallop! What a picture. What a photograph . Remember what made you smile. It’ll help you keep a smile on your face all your life. If you’ve never smiled before and then something makes you smile it’ll be something amazingly funny and you will not come across that many times in life.


PART 4      No.’s 32 – 41



32           Witness something amazing which you will not remember. This will make a memory that follows you everywhere you go and your parents will bore you with it all the time when you are older: “When you were knee high to a grasshopper we climbed Everest with you on your Dad’s back and at the summit you puked all over the Queen’s best frock and pulled her hair. Oh we did laugh! ” type of thing. But it will not mean a thing to you.


33           Additional note to the above. If you are a first child you will experience every amazing event and experience in the world that it is possible for a baby and child to experience. Make the most of it. If you are a 2nd child or even further down the pecking order you will get none of these experiences. You will be given a tin box and a wooden spoon and that will be your best experience in life. But make the most of it by making as much noise as you can to make your presence known and irritate the s*** out of your mum and dad for not giving you the first baby experiences. Better still get out there and get those experiences for yourself. Siblings are noted for being more independent. This is the reason why.


34           Fall in love with your reflection. In the years zero to one, the days tend to be long and boring. Find a mirror and sit in front of it and watch yourself . It’ll be more entertaining than any TV programme you’ll watch in your lifetime and it will develop your skills of vanity.


35           Get a girlfriend/boyfriend from one of your mum and dad’s friends kids. Mum and dad and her/his mum and dad will joke that you will marry one day. Do not say “I could do better” even though you will. It’s too early in life to offend people and make enemies, just humour them. And it’ll mean loads more photo opportunities, notoriety on worldwide social networks.


36           Roll off the bed when you’ve been left unattended. (And without a parachute.) It’ll hurt, but all babies love to do it. Can’t tell you how to do it because no adult has ever seen it done.


37           Eat out of the dogs bowl. Lots of parents are mean and will not have a dog. But you’ll visit lots of homes where there is a dog. But if you are struggling a cat’s dinner is a good second choice.


38           Swap dummies with another kid, even better drop your dummy on the floor or even pavement and pick it up and put it back in your mouth. Mum will freak out.


39           Get attached to a special teddy or blanket that you cannot sleep without. During the day hide it. Then scream the place down when you are put to bed without it. This has the advantage of delaying bedtime by at least two hours. Try to pull off the ultimate: go on holiday to Benedorm and leave it there and don’t cry for it until you get home.


40           Read a book upside down before you can read for real. Another brilliant Facebook/Twitter/ Youtube clip photo opportunity to get your photo plastered across social media pages. Excellent for building the brand. Your mum will put a pair of glasses on you and say you take after her. (I’m not sure why if she does not wear glasses.)


41           When you start to crawl wait till Mum and Dad’s friends are there and you are wearing a brand new pure white baby gro. Get your dad to put you on the floor so you can demonstrate how you can crawl. (Note never  in a million years will you persuade your mum to put you down) Then crawl to the nearest bit of dirt, mud and grease and roll in it and get it all over you. Sit back and feel the atmosphere between mum and dad.


  PART 5      No.’s 42 – 51



42           Learn bottom shuffling. Get what you want without the tedious task of learning to walk. Make sure you’ve poohed in your nappy when you first start, it cushions the bum.


43           One day when the baby gate is not in place and just before you can walk and everyone’s back is turned start climbing the stairs. You won’t be scared because at that age you do not sense danger. The sense of acheivement will be amazing, and the adults reaction will be so entertaining. For an extra thrill and effect try throwing in a little tumble down a few steps, just when the adults arrive.


44           When coming across something you have never seen before eat it, open it or knock it over.


45           Hide the all purpose remote control in the toilet, under the water.


46           Find a pen, pencil, crayon, magic marker, lipstick or anything you can write or drawer with and scribble on anything and everything, and every surface. Books, floors, walls TV screens, doors, windows everthing. But especially books and walls. Create wonderful artwork. Finally tare pages from books. Put every ounce of effort into it, have the time of your life as sadly you will only ever, ever get the one shot at it and live.


47           Pull open every drawer and every cupboard door you come across and empty the contents as a matter of routine


48           Any animal or bird you meet grab its tail


49           After coming out of the nurse’s room at the clinic keep your legs straight and stick out your arms and make your body go rigid and stiff so your mum cannot get you back in your pushchair.To make the most of it make sure there are at least fifty one people watching in the waiting room. Note this may be performed anywhere where there are at least fifty strangers sitting quietly and watching.


50           Climb out of your cot whilst your neglectful parents sit relaxing and idly watching TV in the evening


51           Feed a jam sandwich into the DVD drawer of your Dad’s Blu Ray player or games consul. They all get hungry just as you do.



PART 6   No.’s 52 – 61



52           Press all available buttons on the TV, computer, mobile phone, tablet DVD player, amplifier and remote control, this way Dad will have to set it all up again.


53           Find a screwdriver your dad is bound to have carelessly left around and try to prise off the plastic cover from the three pin plug socket, that is put in place to protect you.




55           At Christmas and Birthday and any other time a big expensive toy is bought for you, ignore the toy and play with the box it came in or better still the paper the box was wrapped in. If you are second or more in line to the throne or when you get a brother or sister you will find your parents have got wise and just give them or you a box or a piece of wrapping paper as a gift. Another good reason in the series “Why being oldest is best”


56           Build wash powder mountains. Once you can crawl or shuffle make your way to the kitchen or utility room. There will be a really interesting cupboard full of fantastic things. One is a powdery stuff called wash powder. This is brilliant. You can build mountains on the floor with it. If you have not yet experienced snow throw the washpowder around and you’ll know what snow looks like. . Try eating it you’ll foam at the mouth and blow bubbles.


57           Give mum a black eye. In the early days of sitting up you’ll start to hold things in your hand because you can. Then you’ll see how many different actions you can do holding that item. You’ll suck the item then you’ll shake it really hard. It is whilst you are shaking the remote control and doing it so hard you’ll hit mum in the eye causing it to go black.


58           Write a comprehensive 1st Christmas present list or you’ll get a load of shite. As you can’t write or decide what you want get a Grandad to do it for you. (Not necessarily your Grandad, anybody’s Grandad).


59           Find a hidey hole or a cupboard to hide in. Again you have to be able to crawl or shuffle. Wait till no one’s watching and crawl into a wardrobe or cloakroom or small cupboard. Someone will shut the door at some stage, without looking in. Then stay quiet and wait whilst they start to panic as they search for you. If there’s some clothes hide in them so you are more difficult to find. This game is called hide and seek.


60           Lose your most treasured possession in a ball pit.


61           Do a Personal Budget



PART 7       No.’s   62 – 71



62           Make your parents think you were switched at birth by doing something out of character with anything that has ever been seen in the family before. Hugging, with both arms, everyone of a similar age and the same sex as you whilst refusing to have anything to do with the opposite sex is a good one that freaks out parents and grandparents.


63           When you and your dad are alone together do something amazing like stand unaided for the first time or say “Dadda” again for the first time. He will then try to get you to do it again when other people are present but don’t. It will drive him spare and you will be offered so many bribes.


64           When you are weaned from bottle to feeding cup, pull the drinking spout off a filled one and pour it over your head. You’ll have to practice a bit they make them so that babies can’t pull them off, but one day probably when dad gives it to you the top will not be affixed properly.


65           Get access to a computer. You will find this is not easy as computers will be kept well out of your reach. Being under one year old is all about patience. Just wait for the right moment and sooner or later the doorbell will ring or mum or dad will be otherwise distracted and put the laptop on the floor. Then you really need our associate book “101 things to do on a computer before U R One Year Old”. Here are a couple.1) Bounce along the keyboard with your bottom or your heel   2) Pour the contents of your bottle or food on the keyboard  3) If Mum or Dad were in the middle of doing something press lots of keys to mess it up 4) Just plonk away on the keyboard with your fingers or fists. When an adult returns they will think this is impressive and put dad’s specs on you and take a photo and you’ll be all over Youtube and Facebook and the internet clocking up those fame points again.


66           Eat some soil. At some point in your first year you will be taken outside and allowed to crawl or shuffle around the lawn (the green stuff of the garden) shuffle/move to the brown bit and stuff some in your mouth. Your mum will go into panic overdrive.


67           Cut a tooth make sure everybody knows about it keep them awake nights before it shows.


68           Take an irrational dislike to and be terrified of a very expensive toy and scream as if you are being murdered every time it is within 100 metres of you. It’s best if it’s a cuddly toy or a Jack in the Box is OK. This is most effective if the toy was bought by a close relative or a special friend of mum and dad’s or bestest of all if it was bought by grandparents all of whom you will, by instinct, know they will be highly offended


69           Push over the dad’s speakers, find your dad’s toolbox and screwdriver and try to mend them.


70           Show an early obsensional trait and interest about something like car keys, microwaves, books, remote controls, cables, DVDs, mugs, or shoes and always put them in your mouth. Shoes do not count if you are a girl because that will be expected of you anyway.


71           Burst a huge red balloon or have one burst next to you. Amazing sensation Such an adenelin rush




PART 8         No.s  72 – 81



72           Pull the tablecloth off when the table is set for a meal. This is done around the time you try pulling yourself up to stand on your own two feet. Use the excuse you were using the tablecloth to pull yourself up. Both you and I know that’s a load of bollocks and your more intelligent than that but they won’t.


73           (This may be a bit soon for you but Granddad will help you) Become obsessional about a TV character like Shaun the Sheep, Thomas the Tank Engine, Twirlyeoos, Teletubbies, Bing – the list is endless – go mad every time you see him anywhere


74           Tip someone’s cup of tea over the floor and suite – When someone has carelessly put their cup of tea on the floor go kick it tipping it over. Works just as well with coffee, orange juice, beer, lager and best of all red wine.


75           Find a ladies handbag, Mum’s, Mamma’s, Nanny’s  auntie’s even Dad’s if he’s got one and empty it out on the floor and spread and hide the contents – allow at least half a day to carry out this activity! Also spread make up and lipstick found in it all over your face, hands, legs, floor and carpet. Empty the perfume too.


76           This can be done in conjunction with No. 75 or as a separate exercise. Get the hundreds of lipsticks from the handbag or that your mum leaves carelessly lying around. Rub them all over your face and chomp them and eat them. Flash! Bang! Wallop! What a picture What a photograph. It’ll be all over YouTube, Facebook and Twitter before you can say “Change my nappy” or indeed anything , Internet. – Excellent all adds value to the brand.


77           Find as many different, unusual and inspiring places to be sick on. Dad’s best trousers, grandma’s new handbag, or grandma’s new knickers she brought to show mum, auntie’s hair, or on a cat , toitoise, dog or parrot – be inspired by our book 101 New Different and  Exotic places to leave Baby Sick before U R One


78           Nick someone’s glasses from their face, Dad, Granddad, Gran, the postman, Tesco delivery man Amazon delivery or the milkman. (If you can find any milkmen around any more.)


79           Write a comprehensive 1st Birthday present list or you’ll get a load of shite. (Writing may be difficult at your age so get a grandad or someone who has experience on simply the best presents. Not mums or grandmas. They just do not hyave a clue and will buy you clothes. Clothes are not presents they are staple items you have to have anyway and it is your parents job to buy them anyway.


80           Make your cousin cry


81           Go Swimming – teach granddad to swim!


PART 9         82 – 91



82           Be christened. So many things to do here to make your mark.  Flash! Bang! Wallop! What a picture What a photograph. It’ll be all over YouTube, Facebook , Twitter, Instagram, Google+ , Pinterest, and the Internet. – Excellentto, add to the brand – See our Book 101 Things to do At Your Christening

83           Play to the crowd – This will earn you big money for the piggy bank and will add to the brand. Make sure your every move is being filmed and photographed.

84           Always look cute and become a model, ending up in the Young Johnny Boden Catalogue, Mothercare or Early Learning, John Lewis, Joules, Amazon, and even Ebay, catalogues or websites. It’s brilliant makes you feel over confident

85           Eat sand. It’s like soil but grittier. At some point in your first year your parents will make this big thing about taking you to the seaside and sit you on the beach and pile sand up and put a flag in it and dip your toes in some water they will call the Sea. This is all boring shit. The interesting bit is to take a handful of sand and stuff it in your mouth, then fall fully clothed into the sea. Finally get sand in your nappy, it’ll be in those hard to find places on your body for months reminding you of the seaside.

86           Clear the book shelves of books and try to climb up them shelf by shelf like a ladder. If you can’t walk clear as many books as you can from the shelves and make a book mountain and sit on the top of it whilst singing “On top of old smokie” if you can sing that is. Failing all else sit on top of the book mountain and puke on it. It will give the effect of a snow covered mountain.

87           Apperar on “You’ve Been Framed Kids Special” – But watch what happens to the £250 prize money. I’ve warned you about not trusting those parents of yours.

88           Love your food! – It is one of the 10 wonders of living. The other 9 are 1.Sex, 2.Holidays, 3.Saturdays, 4.Music, 5.Money, 6.Mamma, 7.Your parents and aunties and uncles, 8.My children’s children, 9.Books/Writing. 9½.Godparents.

89           Make sure someone reads to you at least one story every single day of your first year (make that your whole life).

90           At your first birthday party grab the naked flame of the candle. This is one of those experiences that will hurt. But it’s a good laugh for everone except Mum and Grandma who will whinge.

91           Get woken up by Mummy poking you in the chest checking if you are still alive



PART 10         92 – 112



92           Take an irrational dislike to a close relative and scream whenever he/she is in the room or tries to pick you up.


93           This one is really going to hurt so be prepared. But everyone has to do it at least once in their life. Best get it over before you are one year old. Pull yourself up by the cooker door handle when the oven is on and hot. But let go as soon as you feel the heat. You’ll fall on the kitchen floor but you’ll get over it.


94           Do something outrageous with a mobile telephone – the choice is yours, use your imagination. (See 108/109).


95           Refuse to have your nose wiped – your snot is yours for you alone and in any case it’s a good lite bite if you need an unscheduled snack.


96           Stay awake all night – just because you can – but importantly keep everyone else awake too.


97           On a long 6 hour journey to Cornwall, stay awake all the way and constantly whinge and then doze off to sleep just as they park up at their final destination. It will be worth it: you will get oudles of food and drink along the way.


98           Sneeze and cough in grandparents faces just as they are leaning over to give you a great big smackeroo with their lips.


99           Hide mum and Dad’s car keys somewhere where they will never think of looking just when they are about to leave for an urgent appointment. Put them down the side of the cushion on the settee, in the rubbish bin, in the cupboard under the sink where there is all those things you are not allowed, bury them in the toy box or try to post them in the DVD player. But why am I suggesting all these places you are a one year old kid, by instinct you’ll come up with far better places than I can suggest.


100         Fall deeply asleep on someone’s knee, someone who cares deeply about you: Mamma, Nanny whatever you call your grandma. Make out you are sleeping soundly for 3 or maybe 4 hours. This is more satisfying and pleasurable if after one hour they are desperate for the loo.


101         Once you are weened on to solids, tip a full bowl of spaghetti bolognaise over your head. For best results massage it into your hair. Repeat at irregular intervals.


102         Convince people that they can’t see you if you close your eyes and put your hands over them or put a blanket over your head. You know they can see you but humour them.


103         Go stiff and rigid and refuse to go in your buggy when Mum wants to leave Costa.


104         Fall fast asleep face down in your dinner. Ok I know you need your dinner, but you won’t starve missing it just one time.


105         When your nappy has been removed for changing roll away as quickly and as far as you can and do a massive wee and pooh explosion before anyone can get to you.


106         When you are babysitting grandparents stay awake all the time they are there. Two reasons. 1) You can’t trust them 2) They are so old they can’t have long in this world so you need maximise all the time you can muster with them.


107         This one will take skill, time and a great deal of patience waiting for the right moment. But I have lots of experience with one year olds and know they can do this one easy. Wait till Dad relaxes with a beer and is so relaxed he forgets about you (Mum will be out) and puts the beer on the floor. Move quick taking the beer and empty it on that pile of Mum’s laundered whites left in the corner for ironing. Now await the fun materialise. It will be like lighting the blue touch paper on the firework. Your patience fully rewarded.


108         In addition to the above Dad will from time to time leave beer around. If it’s in a glass pop someone’s mobile phone, doesn’t matter whose, anyone’s, in it or the TV remote (In conjunction with No.94).


109         Try and pull off the same with Mum’s glass of wine. (You get more bonus points for this one – it’s a tougher challenge).


110         Always explore every nook and cranny. Get stuck in a small space inaccessible to adults and potentially dangerous. Behind a toilet bowl, under a bed or cot, top of the stairs peering through the banisters, between bookshelves or cupboards and walls.


111         This can only be done outside, On a really, really wet day escape carers and freefall into a huge puddle rolling around in it and splash water all over your face and hair.






©2017 Phil Robinson – www.rujokinggrandad.co.uk






©2017 Phil Robinson – www.rujokinggrandad.co.uk