16 Of The Best Jokes That Were Cut From Father Ted

16 Of The Best Jokes That Were Cut From Father Ted

jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Tuesday 5th October 2021

 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

16 Of The Best Jokes That Were Cut From Father Ted

I’m a big Father Ted fan. If ever I am down I use Father Tedisms to lift me. So I thought what about the best Father Ted jokes that didn’t actually make the show. Just to cheer everyone up. Here’s what Eoin Lyons picked out when he read through all of “Father Ted: The Complete Scripts.”

I was back home for the weekend I spotted something that caught my eye. Lying, gathering dust on my bookshelf at home was Father Ted: The Complete Scripts. As I was leafing through it I started seeing some of the gags that failed to make the show and subsequently began the wholly altruistic task of transcribing the best 16 jokes that didn’t make the cut of Ireland’s greatest sitcom, Father Ted. This was a real slog, so I hope you enjoy.

  1. Ted lying to Father Stone

Dougal: You could have lied to him!

Ted: I told him all sorts of lies! I said there was a massive radiation leak and we were all dying of cholera and we spending all our time throwing bodies into a mass grave… But you know the way he is! He just shrugs it off.

  1. Father Stone’s weird Ted souvenir

Mrs. Stone: And of course, he had this Father.

She shows him a medallion containing a lock of hair

Mrs. Stone: He said that he snipped that off when you were asleep, Father. He would have asked, but he was afraid that you’d say no to him. And that would have broken his heart. He wanted a memento of you to carry around with him wherever he was.

  1. Dougal wants to look like Kim Basinger

We see Ted reading ‘Bejeweled With Kisses’. He looks up over his glasses at Dougal. Dougal is reading Polly’s copy of Cosmopolitan, his eyes wide.

Dougal: (under his breath) Jaysus.

Ted: It might not be a good idea reading that Dougal. You’ll get confused.

Dougal: God Ted, Kim Basinger is forty.

He shows Ted a full-page photograph of a glamorous Miss Basinger.

Dougal: I hope I look this good when I’m forty. My God.

  1. Dougal starts to wonder about his future

Dougal: It’s just that at times like this, you start thinking about things. Like maybe settling down. Finding the right girl…

  1. Dougal tries to invent a new game

Dougal: They should have more ‘travel’ versions of games, shouldn’t they Ted? I mean, I’ve got this great idea for golf in a car-

Ted: I don’t want to hear the rest of this, Dougal.

Dougal: No, I know it sounds mad, but if you got very small clubs-

Ted: No, I don’t want to hear this…

Dougal: No, all you need is a fairly big ball…

Ted: No, Dougal. No. All right? No, stop. I’m going to set you on fire if you don’t stop talking about playing golf in the car.

  1. Dougal doesn’t know what a Bishop is

Oh no, why is he always bothering us? You’d think he’d have his hands full running that betting shop.

Ted: No Dougal. Bishop Brennan is a Bishop. There’s a clue in his name – Bishop Brennan.

Later in the episode

Dougal: It must be fantastic being a Bishop. Do you have any tips?

Brennan: Tips?

Dougal: Y’know for the racing.

  1. Ted wants to prove to controversial popstar Niamh Connolly that the Church is modern

Ted: We’ll show her we’re a more forward thinking parish than she thinks.

Dougal: What do you mean by a ‘forward-thinking parish’ exactly?

Ted: I mean one that isn’t too constrained by some of the more old-fashioned views of the Church.

Dougal: But we’d still believe in God and all that?

Ted: Oh I think so. The belief in God thing, that’s very important to the Church. That’ll be one of the last things to go.

Father Ted Jokes

  1. Fargo and Ted talk about God

Fargo: Where is your kind, benevolent God now, Father?! Where is he? Tell me this, would a just God allow this to happen to Chris?!

Ted: Well it’s easy to blame God for everything, Fargo. Certainly he’s let me down loads of times. (Bitterly) I mean loads… but you just have to presume that he knows what he’s up to.

Fargo: I want to believe you, Father. But it’s the eternal Catholic dilemma. I think it was Saint Thomas Aquinas who was tortured by doubts…

Ted: Yeah, great. Anywyay, best not to think about any of that stuff at all, I find.

  1. Dougal talking about the ‘Beast’

Dougal: You can’t leave it by itself or it goes mad, and if it goes near water it turns kind of a purple colour. It can reproduce the smell of fifteen different types of cats.

  1. Ted calls a priest to help with Dougal’s milk float conundrum

Ted: I’m calling Father Darsoley. Dougal’s in trouble and he might be the only person who can help.

Mrs. Doyle: Oh yes, he helped the police with that hostage thing last year. I forgot how it ended.

Ted: He tried reverse psychology on the terrorists. He said something like, ‘Oh, go ahead, kill them all! Who cares about them?!’

Mrs Doyle: Oh dear God, did it work?

Ted pauses. He hangs up the telephone.

  1. Ted is paranoid about being bugged by Dick Byrne

Ted: Dougal… how long has that video camera been there?

Dougal: What video cam-Oh.. I don’t know…

Ted: Dick Byrne! Well, Dick, see how you like this!

He smashes the camera to smithereens

Dougal: Oh, wait, Ted, now I remember. That’s actually your video camera. I thought I might do a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the match

Dick Byrne (on the phone): By the way Ted don’t worry about the video camera. You can have a lend of mine if you want.

Ted: Oh thanks very much Di- Wait a second! How did you know I smashed up my video camera?!

The line goes dead.

  1. Ted clarifying that Jack is allowed to play the over 75s all priest football match in a wheelchair by consulting the over 75s rulebook

Ted: …Father Pinky Flood

There is a reverent hush.

Ted: The greatest over seventy-fives priest footballer there ever was. This was his testimonial game against Hungarian/Polish selection. He had a massive stroke during the pre-match warm up, but he was still determined to play. He was held in such esteem that the referee let him play in a wheelchair.

  1. Mrs. Doyle’s Half time analysis in ‘Escape From Victory’

Mrs. Cavanagh: Mrs. Doyle, an exciting first half, any thoughts?

Mrs. Doyle: Sensini’s not getting picked up. The problem is he’s got a free role in midfield. He’s pulling the centre half all over the place.

Mrs Cavanagh: Lack of pace certainly a problem.

Mrs Norton: It’s not just a lack of pace. Some of that marking from set pieces… you wouldn’t see that in a school playground.

Mrs. Doyle: That corner they had just before half-time-

Mrs. Norton: The defending on that was a joke.

Mrs Doyle: You can’t have the full backs staying on the post like that. You’ve got to have them push out, or they’re leaving their front two onside. That’s naive defending. Do that too often and you’ll get punished.

Mrs Cavanagh: Anyway, let’s return to what should be a very exciting second half.

  1. Dougal on holy people appearing in objects

Dougal: Maybe they just get fed up there in heaven. They decide to go on a little tour of household appliances and sundry items. Remember that fella in Sligo? There was an image of Padre Pio in his wig. And Saint Martin De Porres appearing in those triangular teabags in Clare.

  1. Ted on how Jesus was uncool

Ted: Dougal, it’s not the priority of a priest to worry about how hip their parish is. I mean ‘The Man Himself’ was probably regarded as being a bit of a square when he was alive.

Dougal: Really?

Ted: Yes, Dougal. But after he was nailed to the cross, people began to think ‘I see what he was on about’.

Dougal: God Almighty, Johnny Cash was nailed to a cross?

Ted: What? No – Jesus! ‘The Man Himself’ is Jesus.

Dougal: Oh right… I was thinking about ‘The Man In Black’

  1. Eoin McLove complaining about receiving bras

Eoin McLove: Why don’t they leave me alone? Do you know what they send me as well? Big bras. Sure I’ve no need for them. I’d have to be very hard up for clothes to wear big bras. God Almighty, this came in the post this morning. Look at the size of it.

Eoin reaches into his travel bag and pulls out a bra about the size of a widescreen television

Eoin McLove: That’d fit two women!

TOP TEN OF THE DAY

10 Most Common Reasons Why Couples Argue

Are you and your partner arguing all the time? It is so common for couples to have some disagreements at some point in their lives.

The disagreement may not reach the argument stage; however, it still remains as disagreement.

Here are the 10 most common reasons why couples argue

  1. Sex

The most unexpressed reason behind arguments is sex. When they’re discussing the subject, it’ll make each partner self-conscious when having intercourse. The problem can be either one of them wants less or one wants more.

  1. Criticizing the way other cooks

Let your partner cook without criticizing him. Even the cook’s way of cooking is wrong, let them be.

  1. Cleanliness

It never happened that two individuals have the same perspectives when it comes to cleanliness or tidiness. One can be a perfectionist with cleanliness while the other has just no concern at all. Accepting each other’s differences towards this issue or the other’s willingness to change will solve the problem.

  1. False memory syndrome

Most arguments aren’t regarding facts about what occurred but about how certain situations are remembered. Everyone always remembers the past for them to place themselves in the spotlight. So when you both you’re trying to fix your mistakes when you’re arguing, it becomes difficult because each of you is becoming imaginative to create a memory or to supplement memory. Both parties therefore, might not agree on facts, which lead to conflict.

  1. Who decides what’s best for kids

Who is the decision-maker for the best of your children?

If you’re having a family, numerous arguments are along your way while raising your children. Before, it was the mother. It depends on the era you’ll choose. But these days, it’s everybody’s guess. One can have a quiet and rational negotiation between the couple, which leads to a sensible and mutual outcome.

  1. Blame addiction

Tne reason most people don’t grow is that they usually blame someone if something goes wrong. Extroverts tend to blame others while introverts tend to blame themselves. This is the reason why most couples are ending up together.

  1. Money

Who’s earning the most? If you’re earning 5x your partner does, are you going to share evenly with them?

  1. Interior design

Again, this is the woman’s domain in a relationship but nowadays, it’s metrosexuals.

  1. Holidays

The killer is the space between reality and hope. Like birthdays and Christmas, holidays can be compared to a petri dish for disappointment, and this disappointment can lead to conflict and is because you’re looking to blame someone. During holidays, you spend time with your partner 24/7, sharing time and habits that can be annoying to the other which could lead to a toxic environment.

  1. Relatives

Maybe your partner’s mother doesn’t like you that much or you don’t like her sibling’s attitude. This commonly happened and became one of the many reasons why couples fight. How one perceives the other’s family can create a gap. You can’t get away from your relatives and that’s the truth even if they live a hundred miles away from you. It’s a must to take all those difficulties multiply by 10 if your family is melded.

REMEMBER: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

– Nicolas Chamfort

 INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“Live your dreams.” – Les Brown

HAPPINESS IS…

Happiness is…binge watching Father Ted TV Series.

GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

LOVE IS…

Love is…tolerating each other’s weaknesses.

TURN…TURN…TURN!

A time to argue and fight your corner…A time to let it go in favour of a peaceful life together.

YOUR HISTORY

1917 Sir Arthur Lee donated Chequers in Buckinghamshire to the nation as a permanent country retreat for British Prime Ministers.

1958 Cliff Richard & The Shadows played their first gig together (Victoria Hall, Hanley).

1962 In Britain, an emerging pop group, ‘The Beatles’ released their first hit record ‘Love Me Do’.

1962 Dr. No, the first James Bond film, was released. Based on the 1958 Ian Fleming novel of the same name it starred Sean Connery as the secret agent 007. The film was produced with a low budget, the first of a successful series of 22 Bond films. A 23rd – ‘Skyfall’, with Daniel Craig as James Bond was premiered in London on 23rd October 2012, to coincide with the 50th anniversary of the series.

1969 The first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus aired on BBC. In all, 45 episodes were created over four series, from 1969 to 1974, plus two episodes for German TV. The series’ theme song was the first segment of John Philip Sousa’s The Liberty Bell, chosen because it was in the public domain and was free to use without charge.

2015 The government imposed a new law in England, which required that all supermarkets (or large businesses employing 250 or more full-time equivalent employees in total) must levy a charge of 5p per ‘single-use’ plastic carrier bag used by customers, including plastic bags used for deliveries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

©2021 Phil M Robinson