25th March 2017




Welcome to my world, won’t you come on in.


A major life changing event has happened to me this week, I can finally stand on my own two feet.


It is brilliantly amazing. I love it. It is so good millions of songs have been written about standing. Here are 12 of them:


1              Stand by Me – Ben E King (John Lennon)

2              Stand by your man – Tammy Wynette

3              I’m Still Standing – Elton John

4              Careful Where You Stand – Coldplay

5              Don’t Stand So Close – Police

6              I Saw Her Standing There – The Beatles

7              I’ll Stand By You – Pretenders

8              Stand – REM

9              We All Stand Together – Paul McCartney

10           Standing In The Shadows of Love – Four Tops

11           Standing Still – Jewel

12           United We Stand – Brotherhood of Man


Ok, I need to explain a little. I have as you know stood before with a little help from my friends and other folk. But my greatest ambition was to stand on my own two feet by myself. I now do it pulling myself up on something like a chair and lightly holding on to it.


Grown ups criticise the TV when it comes to us under one year olds, saying it is not good for us. But that is where they are wrong. The TV has inspired me to stand independently. I saw the TV screen and was obsessed with touching it, putting my nose on it and fiddling with the controls. Basic natural things every sound minded person just has to do with a TV. The only way you can do that is to pull yourself up by the TV stand. I trained for months and finally did it. No problem. Now I can stand anywhere as long as I have something to lean on.


The reason I am so ecstatic about standing is because the world has zillions of new activities you can do if you are capable of standing. Here are the Top Ten plus seven of them:


1              I can stand on my own two feet. Brilliant – that is a result and I’m only 10 months old.

2              I can stand and talk – that would be slightly more useful if I could talk.

3              I can give a standing ovation – should anyone deserve it.

4              I can stand up for myself – although, I’ve always been able to do that, you do not have to physically stand to do that.

5              I can be a stand up comic – that’s no joke

6              I can stand and deliver – if I knew what the * that meant.

7              I can stand and be counted – that’s easy “One” because there’s just one of me.

8              I can take a stand on something – Fine!

9              I can stand up…

10           …and I can stand down – another achievement due to the fact that you have to be able to stand before you can stand down. Wow, another achievement. Back of the net.

11           I can stand still – one of those things I cannot ever see a purpose for.

12           I can stand alone – I think not, but it’s reassuring to know I can now, if I so choose.

13           I can and will stand out in a crowd – as indeed I always have done before I could stand.

14           I can stand in a bus queue (or any other queue) – but why would I want to do that?

15           I can stand on the corner watching all the girls go by – A record by the King Brothers which got to No.6 7th May 1960. Where did that come from apart from it being on the day before my birthday 56 years earlier and my Grandad’s typing this? I suppose he did live through it and suffered that song. Poor old Grandad. Bless.

16           I can stand and gossip – (although to me that comes under the boring tag).

17           I can stand for parliament – I wouldn’t though because that is exactly how to get on the wrong side of Grandad. Oh and maybe you need to be able to talk and be over 18.


Of course my next target is walking. I cannot wait. I want to walk around the world, miles and miles, or at least to the park at the end of our road. If Grandad can walk that far, I should be able to.


I’ve started to walk by myself. I can walk with my baby walker as support. That is like the walking frames old people use but trendier. I can’t understand why Grandad doesn’t have one. He is old, after all. But if he can walk without one so can I. I want to do so. They are so tedious. You have to keep stopping and playing with the bits, and bobs, bells and whistles on the front like the keyboard that makes noises and the lights that flash when you spin them.


The other thing is I can only use it upstairs on the carpet. Downstairs it has a mind of its own and runs away on the laminate wood floor, causing me to fall flat on my face banging my nose chin and knee. Then there’s this mad ritual by Mum or Dad to love me better and they kiss it better. I have to humour them, after all they brought me into the world. I don’t like to say, well I can’t because I can’t talk yet, but sadly they are under a misapprehension if they think their kissing makes it better. It just doesn’t, but it is my duty as their son and heir to make out it does.


Do you know what? Standing makes me tired. I wonder if I can sleep standing up. I do not want to forget how to do it. They say standing up is like riding a bike, you never forget. But I don’t seem to remember how to ride a bike. Very worrying.


Maximum X’s and Z’s


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