1              JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME (never to be repeated)                  I was born, promptly. I didn’t hang about I was fast. You don’t want to hang around in that tunnel for long. It’s so claustrophobic. We have a play tunnel. It is brilliant made of some fabric. It has a two foot diameter. That’s the size of shute you need for being born to get from the womb to this world.

2.             BEST EXPERIENCE                                                        My first food was nectar to the gods. I discovered what I had a mouth for and stomach. Yes, food instantly became my first love, then Mum and Dad because initially I am dependent on them to supply me with food. Then Sister Freya she slips me food that is barred, when no one is looking.

3.             MOST ECSTATIC EXPERIENCE                                               Then the next best thing in the world ever, my first poo! Heaven. Nine months that had been building and wow, it felt amazing. I know I will never, ever, have such an ecstatic sensational feeling again in life.

4.             1st  PRACTICAL JOKE PLAYED ON ME                                    Then Mum put this nappy on me. At first I thought it was a joke. I’d already realised I was being born into a full of fun family so I was prepared for the practical jokes. I didn’t even have to ask if my bum looked big in them. Ha ha very funny now let’s get the proper pants on. But no the nappy is a part of the official baby uniform. Who designed that then, it’s no thong.

5.             1st ACT OF KINDNESS TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING So we left hospital same day as I was born. Kicked us out, they did. The nurse said she needed the bed. I could see why, she did look very tired, though, so I didn’t mind. But it wasn’t me that made her tired. She turned her back and I was there.

6.             1st BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE                               I was disappointed with the drive home. Sister Freya was born Christmas Eve and left hospital for home Christmas Day and one of the tracks Mum and Dad played to accompany her journey home was “Driving Home For Christmas” the classic Chris Rea track that sells well every Christmas. It came out Christmas 1986 and entered the charts most years yet highest peak was No.26 in 2016.

So I thought that was tradition and I was excited as I waited for it to play. I’m still waiting. Ok, it was only May 8th, but look at it from my viewpoint I was driving home for Christmas even if it was seven and a half months away.

7.             1st BIGGEST SCARIEST MOMENT IN LIFE                           Being home alone with my parents and Sister Freya on that very first night of my born life. I was terrified. There I was just dumped on these strangers. People I did not know. They could have been anybody and are. Did you know you are not allowed to choose your own parents? How is that? There is not even Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) checks which are now called Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) checks either. I was terrified. I could be in the family from hell or even worse, like have a teacher for a mother. I decided I needed to watch their every move, which might involve staying awake. After a fulfilling feed I decided to stay awake was cutting my nose off to spite my face.

8.             2nd BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE                             Meeting Mum’s family. I already knew you can’t choose your family but on meeting Mum’s family, never could I have imagined it was going to be this bad. But what could I do? Just try and make the most of it.

9.             MOST FRUSTRATING THINGS IN LIFE (SO FAR)                Not yet being able to walk!!! I need to walk. Life would be so much easier to get into mischief. There is so many opportunities out there for the walker. I’ve checked out walking. I’ve studied everyone who can walk. They just stand up and walk. Except Grandad. He stands up, staggers, collapses in a chair and goes to sleep. But he’s different. Some would say unique. I stand up, try to let go of what I am holding on to and move forward and bang, fall flat on my face.

10.          BIGGEST INSULT  Making my holiday North Devon and not Cornwall or Italy. Before me & Sister Freya was born Mum and Dad holidayed and married in Italy. Freya came and they went to Minorca for Grandad’s birthday and still managed Cornwall too. Then by the time I come along they cannot even manage to take me to Cornwall, they only get as far as frigging North Devon. And I was so looking forward to feeling that wet suit next to my skin, seeing the golden sands of St Ives and those wonderful white rollers at Newquay.

11.          HOW I MANAGE TO STAND OUT AS GRANDCHILD No.4  Sheer personality, smiling and not smiling and snatching Grandad’s specs.

12.          BIGGEST NON-EVENT OF MY LIFE         Christmas. There was such a build up to it. All about this baby Jesus and Santa bloke and a shining star and a red nosed reindeer and partying. But there was just us and we were all ill. Somebody dumped a load of boxes on us wrapped in paper but they were spoilt because there was stuff inside the boxes and I couldn’t climb in.

13.          BEST THING ABOUT 1st BIRTHDAY                          I had two enormous poohs before 7.00am

14           BIGGEST MYSTERY                                                        The pantomime and The Chuckle Brothers. What’s all that all about then? Maybe it’s an old blokes thing Dad and Grandad seemed to enjoy it.

15           GREATEST SHOCK IN 1 YEAR OF LIFE.                 Being dumped at nursery at7 month old. I didn’t see that one coming.

16           MOST OVERWHELMING EVENT                               1stbirthday party. I was overwhelmed by people, parcels and kids. I just wanted to noisily pick a parcel to open tare off the paper play with the wrapping paper and the box. But there were adults everywhere and sisters and cousins galore opening all my presents for me. B*******.

17.          MOST AWESOME ITEM IN THE WORLD                Stars – Have you seen stars? How I wonder what they are. Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. What’s a diamond, then? It must be like a star.

18.          THE THING THAT HAS P***** ME OFF MOST      When we are going somewhere exciting like holidays or Thomasland, Mum always posts my photo on Facebook. It always goes viral with folks posting “George tell your face your going on holiday”. Sarcy…people. And it really winds me up. It’s because of all the pressure I’m under to look as though I


19.          MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES AND DON’T REALISE YET                        Looking at my first book and putting a pencil to paper for the first time ever (Copying Sister Freya)


20.          MOST DEATH DEFYING ACEIVEMENT                 At 11 months old I climbed from bottom of Mamma and Grandad’s stairs to top by myself unaided  and unobserved in one minute flat whilst their backs were turned.


21.          GREATEST ACHEIVEMENT                        Doing at least one poo every single day of his life!!!


22.          GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POSSIBLE CONTENDER   The number of photographs taken of me in my first year must rate me with the highest number of anyone in their first year of life.


23           MOST CELEBRITY DEATHS                        In my first year of life there have been more celebrity deaths than any previous baby’s first year.


24           MOST PAINFUL WHINGING EVENT OF MY LIFE                               Cutting my teeth


25           BIGGEST BURDEN IN MY FIRST YEAR OF LIFE                                Grandad sitting




27           FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM IN FIRST YEAR OF LIFE               Liverpool FC. I have been told (brainwashed into thinking) there is only one football team in the world.


28           BEST TV                                                                              Loose Women


29           BEST No.1 CHILDREN’S TV IN FIRST YEAR         Twirlywoos – Thomas the Tank Engine – Peppa Pig – Paw Patrol – In the Night Garden – Postman Pat – Fireman Sam – Tellytubbies – Bing


30           BEST NURSERY RHYME                               The Wheels On Old MacDonalds Little Green Frog Little Star




32           THE MOST USEFUL GADGET IN THE WORLD I DISCOVERED IN MY FIRST 12 MONTHS OF LIFE                               The circular holes in the ball pool wall to post balls through.


33           MY FAVOURITE BOOK IN MY FIRST 12 MONTHS  Thomas & Friends Noisy Thomas! Sound Book Board book  by Rev W Awdry (Author)


34           MOST POINTLESS PASSTIME                     Going to pub or restaurant. I get put in a chair and have to sit and watch whilst all the adults eat. What’s in it for me? Absolutely nothing.


35           BEST SHORT ANIMATED FILM OF MY FIRST YEAR        We’re Going On A Bear Hunt – “That’s what I so regret not doing in my first year” Says George “I wouldn’t be scared. I wasn’t even scared of the stairs so I certainly wouldn’t be of a cute cuddly bear.”


36           MOST OVERATED MEDIA            Disney I’ve been forced to sit through at least 4,380 hours of Disney animation in my 8,760 hours of life by Sister Freya and it’s all Prince’s and Princess boring stuff.


37           FACTS                 I’ve had: 578 Poohs            1378 Bottles        Used 1926 nappies              19 Dummies  3,781 times wind passed counting both ends                                              Opened 2,614 Barred Cupboard doors and drawers


38           PROUDEST MOMENTS                  Being able to turn into a pumpkin and a Christmas Pudding with no effort or additional padding.


39           MAJOR ACHEIVEMENT 2            Always achieving the upper 90s in percentiles for health visitor.


40           CAN’T SEE THE PURPOSE           Money   What’s the point of money. Mum and Dad work all day just to fill the piggy bank. Why?


41           GREATEST CERTIFICATED ACHEIVEMENT(IN SWIMMING)                     I am certified that I am a Little Star. I have perform a safe entry, using swing dips to introduce me to the water, I was supported on the front to move freely around the pool, I was supported on the back and moved freely around the pool, and I was cued and face washed with water, and I exited the pool safely


42           MY MOST FAVOURITE OCCUPATION IN THE WORLD DURING MY FIRST 12 MONTHS OF LIFE                  Posting balls through the circular holes in my ball pool.

43           MY MOST FAVOURITE SENSE IN MY FIRST 12 MONTHS OF LIFE             You may think I’m going to say taste because I love food. Food is best but it does not matter to me what it tastes like. So the best sense of taste, see, hear, touch and smell has to be “hear”. I love to hear things, the more noisier and louder the better.

44           THE MOST TROUBLING QUESTION IN THE WORLD THROUGHOUT MY 12 MONTHS OF LIFE THAT I CANNOT FIND AN ANSWER TO:               Why is Freya’s swimming lesson on Saturday in Lincoln and mine on Monday in Newark?


45           THE MOST AWESOME BOOK CREATURE IN MY FIRST YEAR                     The Gruffalo




47           MY BIGGEST NON ACEIVEMENT APART FROM NOT WALKING IN FIRST 12 MONTHS       Visiting Mamma and Grandad’s by myself


48           THE MOST VERSATILE PLAY THING I HAVE FOUND IN MY FIRST 12 MONTHS OF LIFE                The ball. You can play catch, football, cricket, rugby, tennis, golf, snooker, pool, baseball, roll a ball, skittles. I could go on. You can’t with a cup, plate, a baby or a phone


49           THE THING THAT CAME MOST NATURAL TO ME                             Dancing. I cannot walk yet be even if I say it myself I am a cool mover. Watch me now!


50           THE BIGGEST REGRET OF THE LAST YEAR                       I did not get behind the TV to get all the cables and do exactly what I wanted with them


51           BEST TOY                            The day I was born I never dreamt I would be given the best toy in the world ever. One that is so brilliant not even I as a child had the imagination to think it up. Sister Freya’s Fairgodmother and Prince Charming bought it me that’s why it has such magical powers. It is a giant pull along bee that sings “Twinkle twinkle little star. The most wonderful thing about it that makes it a clear No.1 in my book is that it irritates the **** out of grown ups.


52           THE BIGGEST AMBITION FOR THE FUTURE                      To have my own mobile phone and tablet, play for England, write a book be in a band but most of all poo for England to keep the sewerage works in business!!!


©2017 www.rujokinggrandad.co.uk Phil Robinson