15th APRILh 2017  






Hi, Ewan here. I’ve done lots of things this week. It’s been a pretty OK sort of week. The reason is because it was grandad’s birthday. They call his birthday Easter.

He is so old it means there has to be huge special celebrations. He is so old they’ve even given everybody, not just one but two weeks off school, to ensure there is time to fit in all the celebrations.


He is now a full year older and looks it. We opened celebrations the day before his birthday with a major banquet. Me and Cousin George had the honour of babysitting Grandad as everyone else went out and left him by himself. Later when everyone came back we had fantastic food and birthday cakes. To demonstrate how old Grandad is, his cakes – yes, there were more than one just to hold all the candles – had so many candles it looked like bonfire night revisited. But I managed to blow them all out for him.


We gave him a card. I scribbled on it, Brother Rory and Mum and Dad wrote their names and put it in an envelope and gave it to Grandad. So what was that all about then? A mystery to me.


The next time we saw him was 4 days later. I knew he was going to be one year older and I was worried in case I wouldn’t recognise him. I did recognise him but he did look a lot older. I think he would have looked even older but Mamma buys this cream from a magic shop. Anti-aging cream it’s called. To stop you getting old. She’d obviously used that on Grandad. It works well on her, keeps her young looking but it’s not so effective on Grandad.

Grandad’s is lots and lots of years old. I can’t count that many and Brother Rory can’t and even my dad who is brilliant at numbers says he finds it difficult to count that much.


Rory had some glasses this week too. They are so cool with Spiderman on the side. He now looks like our dad and Grandad. I think you are awarded glasses for being 4 years old ready for going to school. At school there are so many children teachers do not know which child belongs to which parent, so you have to look like one of your parents. Either Dad or Grandad can now fetch Rory from school because they look like him, reassuring the teachers that they are not child catchers.


We opened Grandad’s presents and ate his birthday cake and made Easter bonnets. Yes, made Easter bonnets, so much weird stuff for Grandad’s birthday. But I suppose he likes mad things and it keeps him out of mischief.

The best bit was going to Thomasland at Drayton Manor Park. I thought that was my belated birthday treat. Mum and Dad seem to have been promising that all my life, well since my birthday in February and it never came off. One time they even said it was “Shut!”


Do they think I am a kid born yesterday. I see through these parental lies. I know its all money based.

So they linked it on to Grandad’s birthday treat and George’s Birthday treat. I’m not stupid. They only had to spend 1/3 of what they planned to spend on me, cheapskates.


Thomasland was amazing, I loved everything about it. But I think Grandad enjoyed it most. But that was right, it was HIS birthday treat. But he didn’t go on any rides, he just took photos! Whatever turns you on. Bizarre.


I have seen more than every episode of Thomas the Tank Engine on TV. He does look smaller in real life.


I was so annoyed with Dad he did this stupid grown up thing of waiting in a queue for each ride. Why didn’t we just get on the ride. We could have doubled the number of rides we went on. My dad is such a time waster.


I went on every ride! Trains and Boats and Planes. (If anyone’s interested, which I’m not, Grandad says That song was No.4 hit for Burt Bacharach 24.6.1965 and No.12 hit for Billy J Kramer the week before.) Helicopters, boats, Thomas and Thomas’ friends, a hot air balloon, cars, even flying cars and a bus. Yes, Bertie the Bus. Finally at two years old I went on a bus! A dream come true. It was a little bit different to the Trent-Barton,141. This one didn’t go along the ground it went up in the air. May be the 141 does when it gets to Sutton or Nottingham. I looked down and I could see Grandad and Mamma. They looked like small as Lego people.


The very best was yet to come. The zoo. I didn’t ride on anything there, unfortunately But I stood hours watching this very enormous crocodile. I wanted to have a ride on that but Dad is miserable. He said “No, Ewan.” I kept telling Grandad the crocodile  goes “Snap” like in my book. I waited for him to open his mouth and do it. No, not Grandad, the crocodile. But he stood so still. I stared at him. He stared at me. Slowly one eyelid half closed. I continued to stare. Slowly the one eye lid opened. But he never moved. I stared at him for half an hour shouting “Snap” like it says in my crocodile book. Then Grandad said we had to go. I protested loudly. This was the greatest moment of my life. I wanted to take him home. I bet when he eats Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast they really crunch loudly with all those teeth I could see, even with his mouth closed. How long does it take him to clean those in a morning?


Anyway, Grandad did drag me away past the different coloured frogs, huge twirly snakes and lovely lizards. Reptiles are brilliant.


Outside we saw a tiger. No it wasn’t scary it was in a cage a sleep. I wanted to shout and awaken him. I find it so rude when you’ve gone to visit someone and they are asleep. But Grandad said the tiger would not be in a good mood if I woke him, he’d be a bit like me when I’m awoken. I scare everyone, so transfer that to a tiger and we’re all in big trouble.

I think Thomasland are missing out on an attraction. If I owned it I would get the tiger to do a Tiger Who Came To Tea Experience (Judith Kerr). I so wanted to do it.

As it was Grandad’s Day too, I let him have a choose. He chose to see the elephants, of course. But there were none nor giraffes, just pretty pink flamingos. I thought he was going to have a tantrum. I would have if it were me. But fortunately he didn’t.


“We’ll go see the apes.” he said.

But when we got to the apes’ compound there was a ladder up the wall and it was empty. No apes. (See photo on the blog.) “They’ve obviously upped and gone” said Grandad.


Grandad has written stories about how gorillas get bored in zoos and like their freedom. He really understands animals and got that one right.


He said it must have been one of the apes’ birthdays and they’d all gone on a day out to a shopping centre to watch people as celebration, like we go to the zoo. Made sense to me.


But I soon forgot about the apes, there were actually real dinosaurs. Lots of them. And they were alive because they roared. And I was not scarred. Well maybe a bit. But I clung to Grandad to protect me. He’s old like them and they do not attack one of their own.


But as the roars faded a disappointment came over me because I thought I’d see lions. But there were none there. But then, surprise, surprise there was one in a stage show with Alice (in Wonderland), the Easter Bunny and a clown. But the lion was named ‘Rory’. Why? Why not Ewan, George, Freya or Grandad or Mamma? It’s not even Rory’s birthday.


Today, on every ride I sat in the driving seat and steered, I was at one with the crocodile and had conclusive proof that dinosaurs are still alive in the zoo. But parents are stubborn old buggers. They’re on another planet.


After all that experience Dad would not let me drive the car to MacDonalds. I didn’t expect to do the motorway driving I know that’s too far. They won’t let me have a crocodile for the bath. And, get this, they still think dinosaurs are extinct. Have they not seen Grandad lately?


What a good week so far but still lots to go. Phew birthdays are exhausting probably that’s why we only get one a year.


Bye Bye