36 TESTING TIMES
20th MAY 2017
2 YEARS OLD EWAN’S BLOG
Hi Ewan here.
Sometimes events happen that make you realise folk close to you love you dearly until it comes to something they find something they want to do that’s more fun, then they just dump you at the nearest convenient place – usually the nursery and go and have their fun.
Mum and Dad are the worst. They get loads of fun by going to work and prefer it to looking after me and Brother Rory. So, all the time they dump us at nursery and go out and have their fun. They have so much fun, sometimes, they are too exhausted to look after us come an evening.
Fair enough, can’t fault them. But me and Brother Rory do have long memories and just wait till our teens, we’ll repay Mum and Dad big time! In the meantime I keep trying to get hold of a phone to ring Childline to report them. But when I get one I can never remember the number. So I put numbers in randomly to see if I can contact them. I’ve not managed so far but my day will come. I keep trying to find their app too. But I think Mum and Dad have worked out what I am doing because they always take the phone off me.
Mamma and Grandad don’t dump me to go and have their fun. They are too old to be partying all day like Mum and Dad, so normally we get a bit of nursery respite there, until this week. They decide looking at flowers is more fun than looking after Brother Rory and me. They’ve watched Mum and Dad and think it’s a bit of a laugh to put us in nursery and go off looking at flowers. It must have been Mamma’s idea, it’s girls that like flowers, according to my Dad.
They could have waited until this week commencing 23rd May and just gone to Chelsea Flower Show. It would only take one day and they could still be around for us to Grandparent sit. But no. They said they went to a different country the Netherlands, although they were gone so long (one week) I think it must have been another planet they went to. The Apollo 11 space mission, commanded by Neil Armstrong, in 1969, took three days, three hours and 49 minutes to reach the moon after launching from Earth. There and back: 6 days 7 hours 38 minutes.
Mamma and Grandad went Wednesday, at 10.53am returning the following Tuesday at 8.56pm.
Totalling: 6 days 7 hours 41 minutes. It’s pretty obvious to me where they’ve been.
And all they brought me back was some boring wax crayons, not even felt tips. You can’t do maximum damage with crayons. They didn’t even bring me any cheese, but they smelt of it, even more evidence they’d been to the moon.
In my short life I have discovered that life is all about tests. You are tested as soon as you are born, and it continues with blood tests, temperature tests, one year check tests, and weight tests. I even had to pass a height test to go on the roundabouts at Thomasland, but as usual I passed with flying colours. Brother Rory had an eye test. Grandad says he has had millions of tests in his life, but he is very old. I think he has regular tests to see if he is extinct yet, like the dinosaur. Grandad says his biggest test is Mamma, she tests his patience. That must be a big job for Mamma, but that means Grandad must be a doctor if he has patients.
I just had my 2 year test with the health visitor. I passed and go on now to prepare for my three year old test. I’ll be an old bugger by then. I wonder what happens if you don’t pass. Do you go back to being 1 year 11 months until you come up to standard?
I’ve heard you go out celebrating when you pass some tests. I’ve not seen any of that, yet. May be my Mum and Dad are too mean to take me out for passing my 2 year old test. They spend too much time enjoying themselves everyday.
Mamma and Grandad obviously felt guilty for dumping us, they were back looking after me yesterday but I felt Mamma tested me.
She said, “Ok boys!” to me and Brother Rory and maybe Grandad (because he is a boy)
“We’re gonna make some jam tarts, today.”
We made pastry and cut it out and put it on the trays.
We then had a snack break and she gave us a spoonful of the very best strawberry jam, ever, a bit sweet but delicious. Then she complained I should not have eaten it as it was to put in the tart.
I have a few issues with this:
1. How was I to know, I’ve never made jam tarts before?
2. Why put the jam in the tarts and waste 20 minutes electric when I can eat it straight down. Dad would have been proud of me saving all that money on the electric bill.
3. It was a good job it was after my two year test, I may have got points deducted for misunderstanding and eating the jam instead of putting it in the tart. (But gained points for thinking through how to save money and the planet by not using energy.)
Grandad’s testing my number of words, now and says, I’ve done enough so I’m off to eat the tarts that Rory made, they do have jam in them.