50 Homer Simpson Quotes

50 Homer Simpson Quotes

jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Saturday 26th March 2022




The Top 50 best Homer Simpson quotes of all time

 I so, enjoy the wit and humour of the Simpsons and particularly Homer Simpson. He is my hero and I look to him for inspiration. But I sometimes worry that the character is based on me. We are as if separated at birth. Here for your enjoyment are The best Homer Simpson quotes of all time.

Many of us like nothing more than to spend our time batting Simpsons quotes back and forth with family and friends, and none are more amusing than the greats from Homer himself. Here are our favourite winning words from Springfield’s resident goof…

  1. Staying In

The Quote: “What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here anyway.”

  1. Defeat

The Quote: “I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”

  1. The Future

The Quote: “I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

  1. Mischief

The Quote: “A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid centre.”

  1. Film Quotin’

The Quote: “Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like – I’m the one out there every day putting his a*s on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can’t HANDLE the truth! ‘Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!”

  1. Talking To God

The Quote: “Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever…thy will be done.”

  1. The Internet

The Quote: “The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”

  1. Break Ups

The Quote: “Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’

  1. Dealing With Mr. Burns

The Quote: “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”

  1. Dinosaurs

The Quote: “I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”

  1. Spaceships

The Quote: “I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

  1. In The Theatre

The Quote: “Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete a*s of myself.”

  1. Idiot Box

The Quote: “Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret Lover.”

  1. Quick Time

The Quote: “Forty seconds? But I want it now!”

  1. Dentistry

The Quote: “Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break yours.”

  1. Anger Management

The Quote: “Yes, honey… Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

  1. School

The Quote: “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”

  1. Maturity

The Quote: “I can’t even say the word ‘t*tmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl.”

  1. Smarts

The Quote: “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”

  1. Millionaires

The Quote: “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

  1. Booze

The Quote: “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

  1. Life Goals

The Quote: “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

  1. Failure

The Quote: “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

  1. Precocious Kiddies

The Quote: “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

  1. TV Is The Answer

The Quote: “When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”

  1. The Shinning

The Quote: “No TV and no beer makes Homer something something.”

  1. Popularity

The Quote: “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”

  1. Statistics

The Quote: “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.”

  1. Hoarding Homer

The Quote: “Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it’s not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV guides… so many memories…”

  1. Sexual Politics

The Quote: “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

  1. Superman

The Quote: “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”

  1. Marge The Cop

The Quote: “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie… “Spaceballs”. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie “Police Academy”.”

  1. Movies

The Quote: “They’re my only escape from the drudgery of work and family… No offense.”

  1. Watching TV

The Quote: “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

  1. Suit You, Sir

The Quote: “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You/re making a scene’.”

  1. Weasels

The Quote: “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

  1. The Facts Of Life

The Quote: “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

  1. Literature

The Quote: “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin… but what good does that do me?”

  1. Achievements

The Quote: “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

  1. Substances

The Quote: “Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”

  1. Civic Duty

The Quote: “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”

  1. Computer Illiteracy

The Quote: “‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?”

  1. Meeting Aliens

The Quote: “Oh my god, space aliens. Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

  1. Work Ethic

The Quote: “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-a*sed. That’s the American way.”

  1. The Lottery

The Quote: “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

  1. Volunteering

The Quote: “Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?”

  1. Kids

The Quote: “Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.”

  1. Number of Kids

The Quote: “Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”

  1. Marriage

The Quote: “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

  1. Classic Catchphrase

The Quote: “D’oh!”


REMEMBER: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

– Nicolas Chamfort



“Don’t count the days, make the days count.” —Muhammad Ali


Happiness is…a Homer Simpson Quote.


So, what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world.


Love is… that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.


A time to listen to the Dalai Lama…A time to listen to Homer Simpson.








©2022 Phil M Robinson