Albert & The Lion By Stanley Holloway
There’s a famous seaside place called Blackpool
That’s noted for fresh air and fun
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.
A grand little lad were young Albert,
All dressed in his best, quite a swell,
With a stick with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle;
The finest that Woolworth’s could sell.
They didn’t think much to the ocean,
The waves they was piddlin’ and small.
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,
Fact, nothin’ to laugh at at all!
So, seeking for further amusement,
They paid, and went into the zoo,
Where they’d lions and tigers and camels
And old ale and sandwiches, too.
There were one great big lion called Wallace;
His nose was all covered with scars.
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of ‘is face on the bars.
Now Albert ‘ad ‘eard about lions —
‘Ow they was ferocious and wild;
See Wallace lyin’ so peaceful —
Well it didn’t seem right to the child.
So straightway the brave little feller,
Not showin’ a morsel of fear,
Took ‘is stick with the ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle
And pushed it in Wallace’s ear.
You could see that the lion didn’t like it,
For givin’ a kind of a roll,
‘E pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im
And swallered the little lad ‘ole!
Now Pa, ‘oo ‘ad seen the occurrence,
And didn’t know what to do next,
Said, “Mother, yon lion’s ate Albert!”
An’ Mother said “Well, I am vexed.”
Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,
Quite rightly when all’s said and done,
Complained to the animal keeper
That the lion ‘ad eaten their son.
The keeper was quite nice about it;
He said “What a nasty mis’ap;
Are you sure it’s your boy ‘e’s eaten?”
Pa said, “Am I sure? There’s ‘is cap!”
The manager ‘ad to be sent for;
‘E came and ‘e said “Wot’s to do?”
Pa said “Yon lion’s ate Albert,
And ‘im in ‘is Sunday clothes, too!”
The Mother said “Right’s right, young feller —
I think it’s a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert,
And after we’ve paid to come in.”
The manager wanted no trouble;
He took out his purse right away,
Sayin’ “‘Ow much to settle the matter?”
Pa said “What do you usually pay?”
But Mother ‘ad turned a bit awkward
When she thought where ‘er Albert ‘ad gone.
She said “No, someone’s got to be summonsed!”
So that was decided upon.
And off they went to the police station
In front of a Magistrate chap;
They told ‘im what ‘appened to Albert,
And proved it by showing ‘is cap.
The Magistrate gave ‘is opinion
That no one was really to blame,
And ‘e said that ‘e ‘oped the Ramsbottoms
Would ‘ave further sons to their name.
At that Mother got proper blazin’:
“And thank you, sir, kindly,” said she —
“What, waste all our lives raisin’ children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!”