BORIS IS MAKING A BOND FILM TO SAVE CINEMAS
jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Wednesday 14th October 2020
3 brilliantly funny stories from the DAILY MASH
1. Boris making own Bond film in bid to save cinemas
BORIS Johnson is making and starring in his own James Bond film to save Britain’s cinema industry.
The £500m film, titled Moonshot and financed by Rishi Sunak, promises to be a high-octane adventure about a charismatic blonde British agent charging around the world getting into terrible trouble.
The prime minister said: “A dashing Brit engaging in thrills, spills and diplomatic incidents, while committing serial adultery? Hello?
“I’ve already spent most of the year in a high-stakes thrill ride with the lives of everyone in the country at stake, so I’m prepared. And gambling with government money is simply what I do.
“Cummings is playing the egghead villain, Matt Hancock’s the MI6 boss whose boring rules I ignore for my maverick intuition, and innovative gadget master Q is – who else? – Baroness Dido Harding.
“I smash through windows on zip lines, I punch baddies, I deliver quips, it’ll be out for Christmas and I’m confident the whole UK will flock to see it, giving our beleaguered cinemas the boost they deserve.”
Bond fan Nathan Muir said: “Yeah. George Lazenby? No longer the worst.”
- Northern Covid spreading faster because it’s hard as f**king nails
THE Northern version of coronavirus is spreading like wildfire because it is well hard and kicks shit out of your immune system, scientists have confirmed.
While polite, weak, soft-bellied Southern Covid is struggling to infect even pensioners, epidemologists have described the Northern strain as ‘no-nonsense brutal’ after incubating in bodies used to brown ale, chips with gravy and 20 Lambert & Butler a day.
Deputy chief medical officer Jonathan Van-Tam said: “Locking down the North while leaving the South alone might seem nonsensical to most.
“But believe me, when you’ve had this bastard ask what the f**k you think you’re looking at from the other end of an electron microscope you’d have no doubts.
“One cough and the Northern strain’s infected a whole pub. Meanwhile, its effete, well-mannered Southern counterpart struggles to pass itself on to anyone because it says ‘no, no, after you’ even to common colds.
“Alcohol-based hand sanitiser? This strain sucks it right up, belches and asks for more. And cold doesn’t affect it. We recreated a Newcastle winter in a petri-dish, and the virus was strutting around like it was on the Costa del Sol.
“We have to lock down the whole North. If this gets on a train to London with a few mates we are well and truly f**ked.”
- My favourite Disney moments, by Priti Patel
AS home secretary, I detest everyone in Britain. But I love Disney because for every sad moment like Scar being thrown to hyenas there’s a happy one, like Bambi’s mum being shot. Here are my top five:
When Scar kills Mufasa
Mufasa makes it obvious that he’s a green, a Marxist and allows the co-existence of inferior species. The circle of life is communism. What a wonderful moment when a leader who understands how to exploit natural resources takes over. Those wildebeest aren’t your friends now, eh, hippy?
When Cruella De Vil plans her coat
My fashion icon growing up, Cruella is only thinking of how unsustainable the puppy population has become. If you have too many childen and can’t afford them, you should be glad when wealth creators step in with innovative market-led solutions.
When Robin Hood is sentenced to death
I believe in the death penalty, especially for foxes thieving hard-earned hereditary fortunes from aristocrats and robbing the poor of any chance to better themselves by giving them handouts. His death sentence from the wonderful Prince John warmed my very heart.
When Governor Ratcliffe lands in Virginia
Governor Ratcliffe in Pocahontas displays all the qualities that made Britain great, chiefly pillaging foreign lands of their riches and slaughtering the indigenous people. It devastates me when his plans are thwarted by the actions of John Smith, who seems determined to accept other cultures. What’s British about that?
When Anna and Elsa are orphaned
I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a sinking ship in a rough sea that gets me right there. And those sisters being orphaned and their country left at the mercy of any despot with a big army. I just cannot wipe the smile off my face.
FOR OTHER DAILY MASH STORIES SEE: https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news
DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH EVERYDAY
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY
“If a guy doesn’t like a funny girl, something is wrong with him.”
— Bill Hader
Happiness is…living up North
GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY
“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones
Love is…loaning her your car.
WHAT IS THERE A SEASON FOR TODAY TURN, TURN, TURN …
A time for Boris to make a Bond Film…A time for Trump to make a “Carry On Film”.
SOMETHING TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT & GRATEFUL FOR IN THE WORLD
I am grateful for the beautiful British countryside.
SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT
CARRY ON FILMS
The Carry On series primarily consists of 31 British comedy motion pictures (1958–1978 and 1992), four Christmas specials, a television series of thirteen episodes, and three stage plays. The films’ humour was in the British comic tradition of music hall and bawdy seaside postcards. Producer Peter Rogers and director Gerald Thomas drew on a regular group of actors that included Sid James, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey, Joan Sims, Kenneth Connor, Peter Butterworth, Hattie Jacques, Terry Scott, Bernard Bresslaw, Barbara Windsor, Jack Douglas, and Jim Dale.
VIZ MAGAZINE TOP TIPS
Girls in the pub. Don’t sing or hum along with the jukebox. You sound pathetic and embarrass your boyfriend.
TOTAL STAIRWAY TO EVEREST CLIMB CHALLENGE
Tuesday 13/10/2020 DAY 192 – 12 Times – 120 Feet Cum Total – 23,040 Feet – (Goal 29,035 Ft)
©2020 Phil M Robinson