CAN’T RESIST THE DAILY MASH
jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG 14th January 2021
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
CAN’T RESIST THE DAILY MASH
I can’t resist the Daily Mash Blog postings. To give you a taster here are three of their latest brilliant postings. especially the Priti Patel one. I just could not resist sharing them with you.
My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel – 13th January 2021
IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be:
No leaving your bedroom.
Allowing citizens to roam freely through their homes encourages adventurous, deviant thoughts. In my political Bible, Nineteen Eighty-Four, all Britons remain in one room watching government propaganda while pacified with gin. It’s a kind of utopia. We’re halfway there.
Make exercise illegal.
With no exercise permitted, people will soon be too unfit to contemplate civil disobedience. Luckily many have already abandoned their home gyms and will soon be feeble, docile blob-people. Joe Wicks would be an enemy of the people and a fugitive.
Microchip trackers with remote detonators.
The obvious way to stop people making unnecessary journeys, for example anything outside a once-weekly shopping trip along a designated route to buy basic provisions, is to track their every step. If an insurgent steps two paces off the path, their heads explode.
Officially to catch reprobates breaking the rules on support bubbles, but lets police spot early signs of radicalisation such as supporting Amnesty International, watching Channel 4, reading books or talking.
Shoot-to-kill in the seasonal aisle.
There’s nothing more guaranteed to stop people dithering by the Easter eggs than a bullet from a Royal Marine sniper.
Renounce your family.
Sever all ties with your family, friends and children over 18. Your affection for each other is an infection risk and breeds empathy, understanding and even kindness. From now on they are dead to you.
To be perfectly honest this wouldn’t do much to stop Covid, it’s just a bonus.
A BRITISH grandmother remains convinced that £5 is still a reasonable Christmas present for her adult grandchildren.
Margaret Gerving, who has a large pension and is the only member of her family to own property outright, is certain that five British pounds is an astronomically generous gift.
Gerving said: “I only have three grandchildren, so I can splash out a little more. My friend Susan has six in total, so she can only give hers a pound coin each.”
Mrs Gerving, who enjoys regular Saga cruises and is a member of her local golf club, is well-aware of the realities of modern life.
“Things have definitely changed since I was young. I used to get a half-crown and embroidered handkerchief from my grandmother, who was born in 1882.
“My grandchildren are always moaning about things like how their wages haven’t kept up with the price of property, so I know my gift will be a big help.
“What would I like? Oh, just something small like a bottle of Macallan 25-year-old single malt, please.”
Mum unable to eat or sleep until kids write ‘thank you’ letters.
A MOTHER has confessed she is unable to eat, sleep or feel anything but crushing guilt because her children have yet to write ‘thank you’ letters.
Emma Bradford began feeling sick with worry at the social slight at 5.35am on Christmas Day. Since then, the fear that she will be universally shunned for her children’s ingratitude has only grown worse.
Bradford said: “It’s been four days. What must great-auntie Kath think of us?
“After she’d been so generous sending them those clothes that were their size two years ago their ignorance must sting agonisingly. I honestly don’t know if she’ll survive it.
“Please kids, just take a moment out of of your holidays to write her a card, telling her how much you loved the present and a short precis of your year. Just do that one tiny thing, in neat handwriting with no mistakes.
“I’ve been awake for 104 hours. I’m hallucinating. This morning I stabbed my hand with a fork and didn’t even feel it. But the second I close my eyes, I’m assailed by the spectres of every relative we have telling me what a terrible mother I am. Please help me.”
Son Ewan Bradford said: “Yeah. mum’s on about something. Dunno what.”
TO READ MORE HILARIOUS ITEMS GO TO: CLICK HERE IF YOU WANT GOOD SATIRE WITH LOTS OF SWEARING
TOP TEN + PLUS TEN OF THE DAY
20 DUCK NAMES
- Moby Duck
- Downy O’Drake
- Sir Quackly
- Molly Mallard
- Sir Lancelot.
- Scrooge McDuck
- Mr. Darcy
- Donald Duck
- Sir Fluff-a-Lot
DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH EVERYDAY
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY
“The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”
Happiness is…finding a good name for your pet duck.
GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
Love is…something you need in life.
A time to respect members of the government…A time to take the members of the government with a pinch of salt (or satire).
14th January 1966 David Bowie releases his 1st single “Can’t Help Thinking About Me”.
14th January 1967 Sonny & Cher release single “Beat Goes On”.
14th January 1973 “Aloha from Hawaii”, an Elvis Presley concert, becomes the most watched broadcast by an individual entertainer.
©2021 Phil M Robinson