DOING SHOPPING FOR MY WIFE
(AND STILL STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED)
jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Monday 1st February 2021
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Ok, one, two, three and breath. That’s the first big hurdle of the year out of the way – JANUARY. Phew!
Let’s see how we can make February fabulous!
I thought we’d start with a bit of humour taken from the Daily Mash site.
I know their items are supposed to be tongue in cheek but this one is my life story.
Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong.
A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend (for me insert wife) requested, each of them wrong.
Nathan Muir came home honestly believing that because he had purchased every item on the list he had done a good job, rather than wasting 45 minutes and £38.66.
Girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Just because they’re called ‘Mrs Plumpton’s Springhouse Farm’ doesn’t mean they’re free-range. I wanted free-range eggs. These are cruel eggs.
“I told you I wanted the Chicken Korma from the takeaway range, not the ordinary one, and what’s this ‘Charlie Bigham’ lasagne in a fancy wooden tray? How do I recycle that?
“Bourbons are not nice biscuits. Bourbons are emergency biscuits for builders. And you thought ‘full-fat’ milk was what we have? How?
“This hair mousse is for women with frizzy hair. Are you saying I’ve got frizzy hair? Then you’ve got Lurpak when it wasn’t on offer. I said ‘only if it’s on offer’. Never full price.”
She added: “I genuinely don’t know where this relationship is going.”
The hair mousse one is the biggee. My biggest waste of life in our 47 years of marriage after standing outside ladies’ toilets is going through “wife hair strops”. There should be a special additional ‘r’ up there on the basic ‘3r’s’ school curriculum. It should become the ‘4rs’: reading, writing, arithmetic and how to say the right thing about your girlfriend’s/wife’s hair or appearance in general.
That would save so many relationships and so much heartache.
I remember also at one time being sent to the butchers every Saturday morning by my wife. That was horrendous. He would be waiting with 1001 catch questions.
Me: Half a pound of your very best bacon please, Mr Butcher.
Mr Butcher: Do you want lean, back, smoked, streaky, cured, collared, boiled, gammon, etc. etc.
Me: F*** knows!
My wife had sent me out there knowing I would be caught out! I turned on my heel and ran for home and hid in my bedroom for two days.
Finally, I plucked up courage to go outdoors again and to the butchers once more to try and help my dear wife who as she pointed out has to do everything.
Me: Quarter of a pound of ham please, Mr Butcher.
Mr Butcher, armed with his book of catch questions for the unwary: Boiled or Cooked Ham, Cured Ham, Honey Roast Ham, Yorkshire Ham, Black Forest Ham, Ham Hock, Jamon Iberico, Scotch Ham, Smithfield Ham, etc, etc.
I hoist up the white flag of surrender and coil in the corner of the shop. Quivering, I dare not ask for two steaks.
So, how did our marriage last so long I hear you ask with surprise in your voice?
In 2005 I fortunately had a stroke (stroke of bloody luck, as my poor departed brother-in-law, God rest his soul, used to say) which took part of my sight meaning I could not drive. That took away my ability to take the car and do the supermarket shopping and go to the butchers each week.
That in turn has saved my marriage.
TOP TEN OF THE DAY
TOP TEN BACON FLAVOURED GIFTS
Top Ten Bacon-Flavoured Gifts for Valentines
#1. Bacon Flavoured Coffee
This almost sounds too good to be true – Boca Java make a coffee named Maple Bacon Morning. What a way to start the day.
#2. Bacon Scented Candles
Not just bacon – but the whole package you need for a BLT flavour – bacon, tomato and lettuce candles. And don’t let the aroma stop when you leave the house – fill your car with flavour with the bacon-scented air freshener.
#3. Bacon Flavoured Ice Cream
Or, if you’re exceptionally lazy, you can also buy bacon ice cream premade.
#4. Bacon Salt
The description of this just about sums up everything you need to know: “Bacon Salt is a zero-calorie vegetarian, kosher certified seasoning salt that makes everything taste like real bacon”. Image to be included in Wikipedia next to the entry describing Nirvana (the state of mind, not the band). Almost as good as Bacon-Flavoured Spray.
#5. Bacon-flavoured Mints
If you’re out with your lover, slip one of these in your mouth after eating to retain that luscious bacon scented breath that drives them wild.
#6. Bacon Flavoured Chocolate
You’ve probably heard about Mo’s Bacon Bar – the bacon flavoured chocolate which has been blogged about extensively (and having tried it myself, I can confirm that it’s a wondrous miz of chocolate and bacon goodness) So for an alternative, try Zotter Bacon Bits, caramelized crispy bacon, coated with chocolate and hazelnut nougat.
#7. Bacon Scented Bubbles
Be a friend to your doggy, watch the kids go wild. all the fun you can have with a bubble maker that dispenses bacon-scented bubbles.
#8. Bacon-flavoured Beer
It’s not actually advertised as such, but apparently Rauchbier tastes an awful lot like our favourite food group.
#9. Bacon-flavoured Water
I’ve searched high and low for bacon-flavoured soda (seems like something Jones Soda should make, right?) but until that comes along, here’s the next best thing, bacon-flavoured water. So, OK, it’s meant for your dog, but whatever.
#10 Bacon Flavoured Toothpicks
I see no reason why, after you’ve eaten a plateful of bacon, washed down with bacon beer, and finished with bacon flavoured ice cream and chocolate, the porky goodness should end there. So even as you leave the restaurant, dig for those last morsels of goodness with these bacon-flavored toothpicks.
Bonus Entry: Walkers Smoky Bacon Crisps
Bacon Peanut Brittle
Bacon Candy Party Sticks
DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH EVERYDAY
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY
“Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.”
— Gautama Buddha
Happiness is…supermarket shopping for my wife…not.
GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment. This is my time to shine.
Love is…accepting there is no way he will get the Supermarket shopping correct.
A time to Supermarket shop for my wife…A time to let my wife do her own shopping and live peacefully ever after.
1st February 1814 Lord Byron’s “Corsair” sells 10,000 copies on day of publication.
1st February 1880 The first edition of theatrical newspaper The Stage is published.
1st February 1949 RCA releases 1st single record ever (45 rpm)
©2021 Phil M Robinson