Ewan: 2½ years old & George 16 months old GRANDPARENTS NEWS BLOG 18.10.2017
Ewan: Hi George.
Please, No world welcoming crap.
George: Ok, as it’s you requesting me not to I’ll just say…
(Quickly, no breaths) Welcome to my world won’t you come on in?
Ewan: George, you are a pain.
Anyway, we are here to review something in the news.
George: Only one story to discuss this week: “Grandparents are not necessary and pointless”.
Ewan: No, George, they didn’t say that, the headline read: “There’s no biological reason for grandparents to exist, say scientists”.
George: That’s what I said.
Ewan: Sorry George but if I said you were right, I would be wrong.
If you will listen to what the full report says.
Apparently scientists cannot understand why humans live on after 50 years old. Most species die once their reproductive years are through, for humans that would be about 50 years old. But we can live on another 50 or 60 years after reproduction has finished.
George: Ridiculous, that can’t be true.
Ewan: George, I’m telling you it is gospel truth. It has to be it was in the Daily Mail, you can’t argue with them.
George: But do we know the age of the scientist.
To me it stinks of the scientist being our mums’ or dad’s age and over the weekend his/her mum and dad tried to tell them how to bring up their children.
Ewan: I’m afraid I’m inclined to agree. So the scientist goes into work Monday morning, all peed off with his/her parents and says right you buggers I’ll sort you two out, once and for all. Just get off my back, will you.
George: And he/she issues a press release saying: “There’s no biological reason for grandparents to exist, say scientists”.
Ewan: Then, goes for a coffee thinking that will sort them. They will think twice before interfering with how I run my family again.
George: But can you imagine a world without grandparents, Ewan?
Ewan: Not really.
George: Just imagine a world without Grandad jokes.
Ewan: Wow, that sounds good.
George: Although there is something comforting about them that makes other jokes so much funnier.
Ewan: I get what you mean. Grandad jokes are a bit like the Fred bear teddy or the old scratched and broken toy, a comfy pair of slippers, that worn blanket or well chewed dummy. Not very attractive items but you feel secure with them around.
And bot-bots would become extinct, if Mamma was not there to insist we had one.
George: That wouldn’t particularly bother me. I’m too grown up for a “bottle”. But I would miss her cuddles.
Ewan: George, take it from me, I’m twice as old as you, less a year and you’re never too old for bot-bots I assure you.
George: Another downside to no grandparents is without a Grandad, there would be no one naughtier than us.
Ewan: That’s a very good point. Grandad is the naughtiest member of our family and it is amazing how much pressure that takes off us.
If we do something wrong they say “It’s Grandad setting a bad example” or “Grandad is far worse than those two put together.
If he was not around we would have to take the full rap.
George: No one to stop us being put on the naughty step.
Ewan: Didn’t think of that George. We would be permanently on the naughty step without grandparents.
George: I don’t like the thought of that.
Ewan: And without grandparents one of our main life purposes would be gone.
George: Too true!
What would you say our life purposes are, then?
Ewan: 1) To fill our nappies regularly with horrible strong smelling poo.
2) To be as naughty as possible.
3) To provide nursery staff with jobs.
4) To be noisy, and a contrary drama queen.
5) To baby sit Mamma and Grandad.
George: And don’t forget ensuring the whole household are awake by no later than 5.30am.
Ewan: Yes, if you insist, George.
I have to say that’s not one of my particular life purposes. But it would not do for us all to be the same.
Anyway, take away Baby sitting Mamma and Grandad and there’s not a lot left to life.
George: And imagine nobody to spoil us and nobody to control Mum and Dad and no one to overrule them.
Ewan: George! Stop it. The thought is horrendous. Our lives wouldn’t be worth living!
George: And what would happen on childminding days without grandparents?
Ewan: I guess we’d have to stay home alone and look after just ourselves.
George: That would be so boring! There would be nothing for us to do all day.
Grandparents are very demanding they need to be kept occupied all the time.
Ewan: Tell me about it. They are constantly wanting to change nappies so you’ve got to be soiling them, whether you need to or not..
George: They love preparing food and drink for you.
Ewan: It’s only courteous to consume it although most of the time you don’t feel the need for it.
George: They need taking out for a walk and exercise.
Ewan: That means we have to go with them in the buggy to keep an eye on them.
George: They’d be asleep all day if we did not keep throwing our toys or making a dash for the stairs in order to keep grandparents on their toes and chasing after us.
Ewan: No I just wouldn’t like to face a day by myself with nothing to do and no one to wind up.
George: Simply boring life.
Ewan: Who would smoother you with love and kisses if there were no mammas, grannys or nannys.
George: Where would advice come from if no granddads?
Ewan: George, is that really putting a positive case forward in favour of grandparents.
George: I guess we can manage without the advice.
Ewan: But worst of all there would be no one to pose for photographs for.
George: Just imagine, no one automatically promoting your image and brand to every stranger they meet…horrendous.
Ewan: Come on George, let’s go spend some time with our grandparents before some stupid Government law makes it illegal, subject to a life prison sentence for being over 50 and a grandparent.
George: But, Ewan, we are strong we’d stand up for our grandparents.
Ewan: No, I would do what I always do and what I find most effective, I would dramatically throw my self to the floor and hide my face.
George: So would I. That will show those MPs we mean business.
Ewan: Bye Bye
George: Bye, No wait I’m coming!