jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG 21st February 2019

Hi, Ewan here

I just finished my second full week at school. If you count the three half days at the beginning that means my school career to date consists of 13 days.

As with everything in life school have taken advantage of me, a poor innocent child.

One of Grandad’s basic rules, in his “Rules For A Brilliant Life for Grandchildren Book” “Don’t let the Buggers grind you down” with the subheading “Most folk/organisations will try to take advantage of you. Be prepared.” I tended to ignore it thinking it was an old man’s experience of life.

But with school I see exactly what he means and it has proved to me I should listen to my old Grandad’s wisdom.

What has got under my skin about school?

This is what has got under my skin about school:

I was lulled into a false confidence of an easy life when I began school. It started 9.30am until 11.30am for the first half day before the August Holidays. Fantastic I thought. School is good.

After the holidays I started on a Wednesday and ok, it had gone from two hours a day to 8.45am until 11.45am for three days. That took me by surprise, and I don’t mind saying it shocked me that they could force that extra time on me without warning.

But I’m a big boy now, I can take it.

But next, and this is where they really started taking the piss (please excuse the language but it just illustrates how cross I am) the following week I had to do 8.45am until 3.15pm. Do you realise that is six and a half hours?

And there is more it is for FIVE, yes FIVE days a week. I have never done five days a week, never in all of my four and a half years of life at nursery or pre-school. That is disgusting, exploitation of children.

But it didn’t end there. On the first School Monday I went, with Brother Rory, to this novelty thing called “Mamma and Grandad’s Breakfast Club” before going to school. I quite enjoyed it. It was at Mamma and Grandad’s house and they were even more asleep than normal. It was so funny to see them chaotically interact, or not.

But this was just a dry run for the final nail in the coffin, School Breakfast Club on Monday and Tuesday mornings. I will spell that out. On those two days I go to school at 7.30am and do not leave until 3.15pm (or in new money 15.15hrs).

Having said that I do enjoy Breakfast Club if I just had to do Breakfast Club. They serve up a mean slice of Honey on Toast. It is delicious. Grandad says honey is the most perfect pure food in the world and protects your body and makes you big and strong. Bees make honey. Bees used to scare me. But Grandad explained how good they are and I love their black and yellow rugby jerseys. Grandad says they only sting if you wind them up, make them angry or they feel threatened. A bit like my good self.

Grandad also says honey has magical powers. I suppose that means I will become like Harry Potter, full of magic. It’s not worked yet, but I’ve only had honey two days, I probably need a lot more. I wonder if I will have to change schools when the magic starts to work and go to Hogwarts?

Anyway, Breakfast Club ended up not being the final nail. If I thought that school had consumed all of my available time and they couldn’t possibly extract another minute from me, how wrong could I be? They gave me homework. Can you believe that? Never in my life have I been assigned homework before. Who do they think I am? I had to draw a picture of my family. On top of that I had to say what I liked about school.

Why do they need a picture of my family? They’ve met Mum and Dad. They know Brother Rory. They’ve seen Granny and Auntie Debbie, and Mamma and Grandad. Maybe they mean Grandad David, Auntie NanNan and Uncle ColCol and Uncle Chris And Auntie Parveen and all my cousins. Yes, that makes sense because I would be up all night doing that and that’s what they want, to consume my life.

I had to pixelate my cousin’s faces because I did not have time to obtain their permission to do their picture. (Get a Model/Subject consent Form signed.)

But I also had to write about what I like about school. At least that didn’t take long.

No, no that is just a Grandad joke really because I just love school, in particularly the toilets, they are blue. That is so, so true. When Mamma and Grandad collected me from school on my first day they infamously asked me “What did you like best about your first morning at school and I answered (honestly) “The toilets, they are blue.”

To be honest there is so much I love about school it would bore you if I listed it all here. I do love school. Wouldn’t life be long and laborious if I didn’t like it?. Life would also be tough because they ensure they consume your life. It is this life consumption thing that this Blog Post is about. It has been a shock and took me completely by surprise. I was just unaware of the time and dedication they expected of me. It’s been like a Big Bad Wolf creeping up on me. If I’d have realised, I wouldn’t have signed up for school. I need to do what Grandad does, his life is cool because he avoided school.

What a con school is. Are they taking advantage or what? Good clean, straight, and honest people would have come clean and told me the deal up front. Good clean, straight, and honest people would not hoodwink me into a false sense of security.

On the outside walls of our school buildings is some Banksy type graphite art of oversized animals. Like lions, tigers and zebras. On our outside classroom wall there is a massive Big Bad Wolf. I now understand the significance of that picture. I feel as though the Big Bad Wolf has laired me into his den and I can’t escape.

Oh well, I suppose the sooner I get my head down and get on with it the sooner the twenty years in education will be over and I’ll be able to get on with life.

Grandad said the moment I decided to be born was the moment I opted into the system, so I have no choice, I just need to man up and get on with it.

But yes I have more moans and groans: the problem with school is, I have been there three half days and ten full plus days and I still cannot fluently read or write. Can you believe that?

I am good at numbers. They are as easy as 1, 2, 3. I got a gold star (that’s in my list of what I like about school, GOLD STARS) for knowing my numbers.

Another great thing about school is it now means I am so grown up that I can go to Granny’s on a Wednesday after school for “Granny Tea”.

This is really special. You can only go if you are a Big Boy attending Big School.

At Granny’s it is brilliant because we go and she sorts us out, no problem.

When we go to Mamma and Grandad’s you’ve got all the pressures and responsibilities of looking after them and keeping them entertained. I’m exhausted after the sessions on Monday and Tuesday that are after school.

In Grandad’s “Rules For A Brilliant Life for Grandchildren Book” he states always give 110% and go the extra mile. School expect a Zillion% and expect you to go the extra 24,901miles (that’s the circumference of the earth). But now I’ve got my head round it, I don’t mind I can do it bring it on what is life if not a challenge.

Grandad says I am the Black Knight from Monty Python’s Holy Grail.

I do worry about Grandad he’s just not in our universe he does ramble on about such remote off the wall rubbish no one has heard of.

Oh no, school calls again…


Bye Bye Ewan.


Keep going. Everything you need will come to you at the perfect time.


Happiness is…school


Well if it was called a ‘teethbrush’ I wouldn’t have been doing it wrong all these years! – Goodbear,


Love is… without boundaries


A Taste of Honey – The Beatles (2nd track on the Twist & Shout EP)

Highest Chart Position: Twist And Shout EP entered the EP chart on 20 July. It duly reached number one, spent 21 weeks there, and was in the chart for a total of 64 weeks..


Saturday 21st September 2019

World Alzheimer’s Day

World Gratitude Day

Escapology Day

Eat An Apple Day

Miniature Golf Day

Coastal Cleanup Day

International Day of Peace






©2019 Phil M Robinson & jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk