jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG 22nd July 2018


 Hi Ewan here. How you doing?

As a toddler you have a mountain of responsibilities. It is mind-blowing. There are so many things to achieve, experiences to,,,erm…experience and tick off the list.

Grandad did us four grandchildren a list of 101 things to do before you are 1 year old. So that helped us in our first year. You can find it somewhere on this website, just click on this and it will take you there: https://rujokinggrandad.co.uk/101-things-to-do-before-ur-1-georges-blog-special



But the lazy sod has not done any after that, which makes it tough for us because we have to think up things for ourselves and then prepare and execute them.


Grandad, we need 1,001 Things To Do Before UR 5 Years Old. And One Trillion Things To Do Before UR 70 Years Old.


It’s bad enough working out how to do them, let alone thinking things up to do.


It is important you don’t miss anything, letting an age pass by and not accomplishing the special experiences of that age.


Like you have to jump off the top step of the stairs unaided at 3 years old if you wish to create maximum mayhem.


At Grandad’s age 69 it just a non-event, although I suppose knowing my Grandad…, ok, bad example.


A better example is what if I had the football and someone takes it off me I’d throw myself to the floor and scream and scream and scream until I made myself sick or till I got the ball back. But my 69 year old Grandad wouldn’t do… no, bad example again. Let me think about this one a bit.


On the other hand if at three years of age I went to the Post Office to collect my pension, that would not be fitting for my age. What would Neil at the Post Office say to me? The same as he would say to Grandad, I suppose, “I’m sorry we no longer pay pension out in cash. It is paid directly into your bank account.


Anyway you know what I am trying to say, there are things that if you do them at a certain age make a mark. If you don’t do them at a certain age you will never do them because often the time has to be right in order to get the biggest impact, and the window to do them can be small.


It does my head in trying to think up mischievous things to do but if I am to be the perfect toddler and get the most out of life I’ve got to do it. No one is going to do these things for me.


I pulled off this amazing, smash your head into the TV unit and end up in A&E stunt recently. I got mega bonus points too, because I did it whilst we were on holiday. It’s the added detail like that that separates me from the other toddlers.


Cousin George is good at it too. He did a brilliant toddler stunt two weeks ago. Whilst on Mamma’s watch (which got him extra points) he escaped past two wheelie bins that were wedged against the house wall and a wooden fence, blocking his way, through an iron gate across the front lawn to bang on Mamma’s car which was on the road. This was all before Mamma saw him and caught up with him. Mamma ended up a nervous wreck.


George is only two years old. I am 50% older than him. George so went up in my estimations because it’s more than I’ve ever achieved. To get the most from life I had to up my game. I was clearly losing credibility as a toddler.


But then on Sunday I saw a golden opportunity. My saviour.


We went to William’s birthday party. That’s Brother Rory’s best mate. Why I got an invite to the party I’ll never know. But that doesn’t matter, I was there. And there was a brilliant bouncy castle.


I like bouncy castles, but of late I’ve been getting a little bored with them. Well, when you’ve had one bounce you’ve had them all. But then a couple of weeks ago that all changed.


I thought all the EU was about was Brexit. But they are not, you know. They said that they were going to ban Bouncy Castles (I think Bouncy Castles are important enough to be given proper noun status with capital letters at the beginning) because they are too dangerous. Instantly that has made a Bouncy Castle loads more exciting and made parents, grandparents and carers more nervous about you using them.


So, I was already scoring points by being on a Bouncy Castle, add points for jumping whilst on it. My Mum and Mamma had so many reasons to freak out.


But then I came up with this amazing wind mum and even dad up plan that would shoot me to the top of the toddler pranks leader board.


When the Bouncy Castle guy let all the air out I would not get off and get folded away in it and camp out in it for a week. I was not aware any toddler had ever achieved that before. I would be the first and go in the Guinness Book of Records and it would so freak my Mum out.


The other scaredy cat kids, which was all of them including Brother Rory all got off as instructed. I, and only me, stayed on the inflatable castle. I slowly and carefully, made sure I was not seen crawling to the far right hand corner.


Success! The Bouncy Castle man started to let the air out. He thought everyone was off. They all were except for crafty me, tee, hee, hee.


Gradually the walls collapsed around me, the air went out of the floor beneath me, making a hard surface to sit on. The sides caved in on top of me, making me feel like a cocooned caterpillar. I dreamed of where I would fly to when I emerged with butterfly wings.


The outside world was gone. There were no windows or doors. It became darker and darker. It was far worse than I had imagined. The Bouncy Castle had eaten me up and I was in its tummy and I did not like it. I now knew how Little Red Ridding Hood’s grandma felt in the wolf’s stomach, claustrophobic. There were huge yellow and red monsters in his tummy trying to get me, they pressed down on me.


All of a sudden I heard a lion roar and I could see its shadow in the darkness, but I couldn’t move my legs, they were trapped.


Boy, was I scared,


“Okay, time to panic.” I thought and let out the loudest scream I had ever screamed. And again, and again. I am sure some bats flew around my head, vampire bats. The Bouncy Castle was wrapping even tighter around me.


I screamed and screamed. Where were my Mum and Dad? Why weren’t they taking any notice of my screams? I thought that’s what Mums and Dads did. If I’d got a telephone I would report them to Childline. Are they teaching me a lesson?


I took issue with that, well if they are I don’t care. I like being in the Bouncey Castle’s tummy. I don’t mind. I will stay here forever. Their loss not mine.


“But, I do mind it’s horrible in here. So scary, I’m going to die (whatever that means). Get me out!!!” I screamed.


But as I screamed louder and louder the Bouncy Castle began to get less heavy. Things got lighter and lighter both in weight and daylight. The floor gradually popped back in to place. I could hear and then see Mum, Dad, the Bouncy Castle Men and loads of other Mums and Dads, all looking at me.


I’m famous!


Dad and then Mum picked me up. My screams went to streams of tears. The Bouncy Castle had vomited me out of its stomach.


As my tears subsided I could see Mum, Dad and the Bouncy Castle Man, were all majorly freaked out.


‘Yes,’ I thought, punching the air, ‘A result’. This one’s going to be difficult to top!


But don’t worry, I’ll think of something. And I do agree, the EU are correct Bouncy Castles are dangerous, I have firsthand experience.


Bye Bye, Ewan.





Talk – Softly

Eat – Sensibly

Breathe – Deeply

Sleep – Sufficiently

Dress – Smartly

Act – Fearlessly

Work – Patiently

Think – Creatively

Behave – Decently

Earn – Honestly

Save – Regularly

Spend – Intelligently


Happiness is…sitting in the sunshine singing a little sunshine song


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his death bed. “It’s worth getting some good speakers.” He said.


Love is…when your dreams come true


Highest Chart Position: No.



©2018 Phil M Robinson