Hi George here. Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in?


So, that was Father’s Day that was.


Although I am only two years old I’ve celebrated two birthdays but three Father’s Days. How do you work that out then?


I can’t remember the previous ones very well, so they must have been pretty good parties.


Grandad always says if you can remember the ‘60s you weren’t there, which is very confusing because he is always talking about his memories of the ‘60s. Does that mean he wasn’t there?


So Father’s Day is a bit like Christmas Day but without the tree, turkey dinner and the carols.


The downside is that only dad’s get presents. Not us children or mums. Grandads do because, get this, they are mum’s and dad’s Father. What’s that all about, then? Fancy mum and dad having a dad. That is weird. They don’t need dads. When was the last time you saw granddad give dad a bottle, wipe dad’s nose or change his nappy. Bizarre.


We had to get dad a special card.


At nursery we made Dad a card. All the kids made one. I thought they were all for my dad. But they weren’t. I overlooked the fact that the other kids all have Dad’s too. Only my card was for my dad.


But my carers at nursery put a picture of a monster on the card and headed it up, “Happy Father’s Day, from your Little Monster”.


How very, very dare they? Who are they calling a monster? I ain’t no little monster. Mamma says I’m not, anyway.


Mum must have agreed with me, because even though she gives everything she’s got to earn every penny of her money (her words not mine) she used some of it to buy me a Father’s Day card to send to Dad when we could have managed with the one I had made.


Dad had an odd present for Father’s Day, a bouncy castle. The reason it was strange is that it was a diddy one. Far smaller than the normal one you get at fairgrounds, fetes or children’s birthday parties. We got it in time for Father’s Day and although small, it was brilliant for us children, but Dad were not allowed on it. No adult were allowed on it. It told you in the rules which were plastered on the side.


Apparently you are not allowed on it if you weigh over 30 kilos. Is it politically correct to bar someone from the bouncy castle due to their weight?


That makes it a funny Father’s Day gift for Dad as he couldn’t go on it. But I think his pleasure comes from seeing me and Sister Freya and all our cousins having fun.


To be honest Grandad was very naughty and climbed on the bouncy castle.


“No Grandad! No adults allowed!” everyone shouted. So he had to get off.


One thing even better than Christmas was that everyone came to our house for a great big party.


There was Mum and Dad and Sister Freya and me of course. Then: Nanny and Grandad and Mamma and Grandad and Auntie JuJu and Uncle Ian and Cousin Rory and Cousin Ewan and Uncle Steve and  Auntie Jayne and Cousin Finley and Cousin Erin. But no Eddie the Dog. Where was he?


I can’t count beyond ten but apparently that was sixteen, or so I was told.


There were stacks of food, good, brilliant food, prepared by the famous chef, Dad, (and he’d done a nightshift, and it was Father’s Day): Dad’s famous pizzas, chips and Pringles. We ate had a massive Teddybear’s picnic (without any teddybears)  on the lawn Sister Freya, me and all my cousins. In between courses we had the odd bounce on the bouncy castle. “And lashings of gingerbeer… “ Grandad says. He’s in a world of his own at times.


Finally we got to eat the Hedgehog Cake. Mum and Sister Freya made that in the morning. I tried to help but they were not sympathetic to my approach and put restrictions on me. One thing I wondered was how many hedgehogs do you need to make an Hedgehog Cake. That sounds like a Grandad joke – How many teachers does it take to change a lightbukb? – To be honest I saw none. I think it’s called that because that is its shape. The shape of Mum’s Hedgehog Cake is more like when it has been run over by a car, though.


Once made, I tried every trick in the book to get to eat it, but they were one step ahead of me all the time, stopping me.


Dad got lots of presents besides the bouncy castle for his Father’s Day.


The day before, Mum had said we had to go and buy him a game of golf. We had to go in the car without food for hours and hours. I don’t think you can play golf close to home because Dad hits the ball so hard it would smash all the windows in the house, not just our house but all those around us.


I could not understand how we could parcel up a game of golf for Dad. We’d need a lot of paper. Had Mum thought of that?


But when we got to the Golf Club they just wrote “A round of Golf” on a bit of paper and stuck it in an envelope. We could have done that at home without this drive that went on for hours and hours. What was Mum thinking of?


Mum may have been crap at sorting the golf but she was amazing when it came to his main present.


I know, she knows, the world knows my Dad is passionate about football.


So my Mum, yes, MY MUM, has organised this amazing Football World Cup extravaganza tournament which has at least one match on TV every single night (I think but Grandad’s writing this and he knows nothing about the World Cup) for a month, just for my Dad for Father’s Day.


There is no wonder she is late picking me up from nursery sometimes and still working when I wake up in the early hours, if she is organising that.


All the games are played in a dream world, not unlike Terry Prachett’s Disc World, in a whimsical place far away deep in someone’s imagination, probably my Mum’s, called Russia. The games are played in film studio sets. Sets like in the Star Wars films or Harry Potter films or Bing or the Twirlywooes on Cbeebies.


I bet Dad thinks she’s the best Mum in the world.


But just a minute, she gave it to him from Sister Freya and me for Father’s Day. He thinks it’s from us…it is now!


Well, I’m off. There’s football to watch and castles to bounce.


Bye Bye, George.





“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” – Zig Ziglar


Happiness is…being a father


Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Fish.

A2: To get to the other side.

A3: Two: one to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath  tub.

A4: Three: one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder.


Love is…hewn from the toughest stone


Rubber Ball – Bobby Vee

Highest Chart Position: No.4 16th February 1961

Versions by Marty Wilde & also The Avons Made the charts

©2018 Phil M Robinson