Hi George here.

Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in?

Wednesday is usually Grandad and Mamma sitting day, as you probably realise by now.

That usually means not a lot of TV.

You will be thinking quite right, very responsible grandparents putting their foot down and limiting screen time for a toddler.

I know you grown-ups are out to suppress us toddlers by restricting our screen time to make us more balanced and rounded people to prevent us becoming brain dead and anti social. I know these things because my Mum is a teacher!

But then I take a look at grown-ups and think practice what you preach mates. Have you seen them, whenever you need one, which is not often, they are never there for you because they are always texting, Facebooking, on the phone, watching TV, or using the lap top or the tablet.

A sure case of do as I say not as I do. But they are an inspiration as they go through life in a zombie like state looking dishevelled and blaming it all on us kids.

No listen to what you are saying about screen time, that’s what’s putting you into the state you are in not us kids. Listen to your own lectures.

Ok, with that rant over back to Mamma and Grandad’s restriction on TV hours. You are thinking what hugely responsible grandparents you have, George. Grandparents to be proud of and admired.

Responsible grandparents my pull-up covered bottom. The only reason the TV is restricted under their watch is because they cannot work the fecking (that’s not swearing its an Irish acceptable slang word) TV remote control.

If it was not for me and my Sister Freya we would not get any TV on a Wednesday. You can’t visualise that can you a day without watching TV?

On Wednesday I managed to sort the TV just in time for Bing on Cbeebies. I like Bing, I have a lot of time for Bing. He’s very realistic and gets into the same sort of scrapes that I do and faces similar life issues which watching how he deals with them helps me hit life problems head on.

Take the episode we saw. Bing was having a bath before bed, as I do. It is one of the major key events of the day for him as it is for me.

Bing’s carer goes off and leaves Bing in the bathroom watching the bath fill with water. Bing sees the bottle of bubble bath and wants lots of bubbles in his bath. We all do, they are magical. So, he pours loads in the water. Naturally, you want lots of bubbles you need lots of bubble bath. Elementary, we all know that.

But, sods law comes into action he puts too much in. The bubbles multiply and multiply and come over the top of the bath all over the bathroom floor and out of the bathroom door.

His carer comes back into the bathroom and has to sort it all out and goes ballistic. OK, we’ve all been there, done that and I thought I had the T shirt but I’ve not seen it lately. The problem is I grow so fast and my clothes don’t fit any more so Mum’s probably sold it on the car boot.

Yes, I love Bing, he knows what life’s all about. He helps you get through things and makes you realise you are quite normal really.

In this episode of Bing because he was going to have a bath he had no clothes on. Quite natural I thought. But Grandad made a big thing about it. But I said to Grandad if you were like me just being potty trained so there are still times in the day when my nether end and private parts are held up in the air and exposed for the whole world to see, there would be nothing would embarrass you either.

Peppa Pig is another favourite TV programme that is a reflection of life and particularly my life and therefore is useful and necessary for getting life tips, hints and wrinkles and helping with basic life planning. Also it makes you realise you’re not the only one that has chosen a crazy family to be born into, the way you live is just like everyone else.

Due to watching Peppa Pig for years and years and years I thought every boy was called George and had an older sister. George in Peppa Pig has Peppa as an older sister, I, George have Freya as an older sister. But at my first birthday party I realised my Cousin Ewan did not have an older sister but an older brother called Rory.

Peppa also has a granddad who messes up. My Grandad is always messing up. So Peppa Pig made me realise I’m just normal in that respect.

I have two granddads. A good solid upstanding Grandad, And a granddad who is a bit of a nutter and gets into more trouble than me.

Peppa has the same.


There is one episode where Grandad Pig takes Peppa and George and all their friends to the park. Grandad starts off ok and gets all the children playing on the slide. The toddlers, though, don’t want to queue to wait their turn on the slide, so they cry.

Grandad panics because they are crying and says as they are little they do not have to wait their turn but just go to the front of the queue. Consequently the older children wait and wait and never get a go on the slide. Grandma has to come and take over to sort the mess out and makes sure the toddlers queue in turn no matter how much they cry.

I’ve been there, done that and have the T shirt that says “My Grandad is silly (or as Mamma would say, a knob”

Grandad has good intentions but not the intelligence and common sense to go with it.

Best change the subject.

I had my two and a half year check with the Health Visitor last week.

I passed with flying colours, of course. Well, I have worked hard at carrying out my toddler duties, like living up to the “Terrible Twos”. It takes a lot of hard graft.

For those that do not know Health Visitors to us toddlers are like OFSTED is to schools and nursery..

I can relate to OFSTED more than anything else in life. My mum’s a teacher. My auntie is a teacher. Mum and Dad’s friends are teachers, Freya’s headmaster is a teacher, Freya’s teacher is a teacher and my nursery has an OFSTED inspection.

So since conception I have heard nothing but OFSTED, OFSTED, OFSTED.

But Health Visitor ratings are not as specific as OFSTED. The best OFSTED is:

Grade 1 (Outstanding) – Outstanding provision is highly effective in meeting the needs of all children exceptionally well. This ensures that children are very well prepared for the next stage of their learning.

With Health Visitor reporting on a Two and half year old I think that becomes:

Grade 1 (Outstanding) – Outstanding provision is highly effective in carrying out all toddler duties exceptionally well. This ensures that toddlers are very well prepared for progressing through life.

No one prepared me for this test that made sure I was carrying out all my toddler duties sensibly and adequately but instinct takes over.

Instinct made me assume to make a good toddler I had to perform the following which I assumed they would observe. I think I was tested on the following to be considered Outstanding as a toddler:

  1. Wake the whole household by 5.30am at the latest every morning.
  2. I can scream louder than 95dcb for no reason
  3. I have the abikity to catch grownups out with projectile poos ranging through all the colours from green, browns and yellow and their varying shades to match each shade on the standard colours according the Pantone Colour Matching System.
  4. Be capable of babysitting Grandad and Mamma unaided for a minimum of twelve hours at any one time announced or unannounced
  5. Be capable of jumping up and down trampoline style on beds, chairs and tables
  6. Ensure if you have anything chocolatey or ice creamery you smear some to every bit of your face
  7. When at the top of the stairs and only when an adult is looking up from the bottom go as if falling down the stairs. The skill here is not to actually fall but to make an adult think you are going to fall
  8. Make out you are so desperate to see Mum when she gets home if Dad’s been looking after you all day and vice versa and to generally cause mayhem wherever I go.
  9. Have what seems to be an uncontrollable obsession for smartphones, TV remote controls and cars.
  10. Be capable of going to the DVD drawer identifying a DVD taking the container out and then taking the DVD from the container and handing it to an adult just by being the title

And to be capable of pulling off at least 100 other acts of mischief associated with being half way through your twos. That bit is a piece of cake.

Easy-peasey, roll on my GCSEs

Wow, my brain hurts now, does yours?

I’d best go watch some Paw Patrol to relax. Now, Paw Patrol and Waffle are Fantasy TV. They do not reflect my life they could not be further away from my life. They are about dogs. Have I got a dog? No. Will I ever have a dog? No.

So these programmes let me experience what it is like to have a dog. Something I am desperate for but have no chance of acheiving.

See you next time. (I suppose I won’t, really, I just write and you see my

Bye Bye, George.


“But there was one other thing that the grown-ups also knew, and it was this: that however small the chance might be of striking lucky, the chance is there. The chance had to be there.”

― Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


“Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” ? Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale


Happiness is…ticking all the Health Visitor’s boxes when you reach your two and a half year birthday


Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.


Loveis…at the centre of the home


Rock On – David Essex

Highest Chart Position: No.3 15th September 1973



©2018 Phil M Robinson