Hi, George, here.

Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in?

My Blog this week is a similar theme to Cousin Ewan’s Blog last week. Well, sort of. It starts off about my grandparents, wonderful old dears, bless, but they have no idea about good times. Get this. They think a day at the shops is giving me an amazing, out of this world life experience.

Wrong! Oh so very wrong.

My whole life has been filled with cutting edge wildly exciting life experiences, every hour of every day. Except when I am sleeping and when I am pooing.

When I babysit Mamma and Grandad on Wednesday’s I respect them and let my selfish needs go out of the window and let them take me where ever they want to go. That boringly means shops and doing the retail experience thing every single week.

This week it was East Bridgford Garden Centre. Great, I thought, Ed’s Play Barn. Sorry Ed and Molly’s Play Barn. Throughout my life I have had 50% of my birthday parties there (as I am 2 years old, that’s one). I have been brought up knowing it as Ed’s Play Barn but now they’ve stuck a girl’s name in the title. I don’t know why, maybe Ed got married or had a baby sister.

But, don’t forget I’m with Mamma and Grandad.

As soon as we arrived at East Bridgford Garden Centre I told them I had been there the previous weekend with Cousin Rory to help celebrate his birthday.

Mamma and Grandad were headed for the retail area all excited and I kept saying to them, “No, outside”. Ed’s… (and Molly’s) Play Barn is not in the main undercover retail area. It is outside.

Once they’d wasted half an hour looking at lots of utter rubbish they moved to the Christmas cards and decorations section.

I’ve learned not to get too excited about Christmas. They get you all excited about it then think they are helping you when they tell you there is a hundred million sleeps to go and you have to live through every single one and Sister Freya’s birthday before it finally comes round.

Anyway, I finally get the message through to them about Ed’s (oh and Molly’s Play Barn) when Mamma spotted the Play Barn had a cafe and served latte coffee.

I thought I had finally,won. Mamma had her hand on the door, ready to go in. But she stopped to read a notice saying there was an ice skating rink inside. After reading that notice we were about to go in and she saw another notice that said £5 admission.

I’ve never seen anyone move so fast. Both her and Grandad turned and ran in the opposite direction dragging me with them.

The mean skin flint little buggers refused to cough up a little cash to give their poor little grandson the time of his life.

I’d really built myself up for that and so instead of having the time of my life I had the biggest disappointment of my life.

They dragged me through where there were lots and lots of plants for sale. Lots of pansies like Mum likes for our garden. It was a pansy factory where they make pansies.

There were also lots of life sized animals too, lions, tigers, pigs, cockerels, chickens, and dogs. They were well trained because they all stood motionless. I was so brave I hugged a tiger and put my fingers into the lion’s mouth and it didn’t bite them off, as you would expect.

Cousins Ewan and Rory went to a Safari Park last week where animals roamed about freely. You could drive near them but you had to stay in your cars. I do not think it was here though. These animals are so well behaved they’ve never moved at all.

I then had to sit in the Coffee Shop entertaining Mamma and Grandad whilst they had coffee and cake. At least I had a chocolate muffin to crumble.

Afterwards Mamma obviously thought I had suffered enough with this Retail Therapy and she took me to choose a toy in the toy department.

When it comes to toys I do like a car. But there was not a lot of choice. However, there was a good selection of animals and dragons and dinosaurs and witches and wizards. I do love a good animal or dragon.

I found a brilliant gorilla. I love gorillas, don’t you?

You know when you grow up you have to be something. That’s the law according to Mrs May the Brexit lady. She’s the Head teacher of our country and tells you what to do.

You know the type of thing you have to do: you have a job so that you do not get bored. My Mummy is a teacher and Daddy is a Care Worker and Auntie JuJu is a teacher, Uncle Steve is a builder and Auntie Jayne a Beautician and I’m not sure what Uncle Ian is. Grandad’s and Mamma and Nanny are pensioners. That means you are so old you are not capable of anything. Or you can be a train driver or a bus driver or a policeman or a fireman. Well when I grow up I want to be a gorilla.

I know I’m as strong as a gorilla already. I can make a gorilla noise too. All you have to do is sit all day in the jungle and eat bananas. I can do that already. Or if you like the showbiz side you can be the star of a zoo and appear in TV programmes like the Private Life of the Zoo.

Something else you have to do is sit and talk to David Attenborough. He’s an old man nearly as old as granddad.

The thing I like about being a gorilla is that everyone respects you. No one gives you hassle, they just wouldn’t dare when they saw “GORILLA” tattooed on your knuckles.

And I have a good gorilla name: George the Gorilla.

So, back to the plot I had a toy gorilla that I knew was about to become my favourite toy, my pride and joy. He was so realistic.

And how much was he “£4.99”. Remember the Ed’s Barn, (whoops, sorry Molly, and Molly’s) admission. You may have forgotten, I certainly didn’t, five whole pounds!

So, Mamma…and Grandad, I suppose you did so well there, you saved a penny. Don’t spend it all at once. But there’s not even enough to spend a penny these days – go to the toilet that is.

In the car on the way home I fell asleep, thank goodness, through total boredom of the retail experience, of course. I opened my eyes when the car stopped to find we had stopped in Newark town centre and Mamma was off around the shops yet again.

I faked sleep so she wouldn’t take me.

Finally, I was back home and utilising my time fruitfully playing with my Gorilla. Grandad insists on naming him Guy but I named him Molly after the barn.

Next minute Mamma’s whisking me up and taking me shopping. Says she bought some walking shoes for Grandad and they are too small and need she needs to take them back.

I do not think so, it was obviously a ploy to get me shopping, again.

She will not be able to do that when I’m fully grown and working as a gorilla fulltime.

Bye Bye George. (Did you think your phone was vibrating? That was me beating my chest.)


In this house, we let it go, believe elephants can fly, wish upon a star, and whistle while we work.

 – Disney Quotes


Happiness is…Ed and Milly’s Play Barn or is it a gorilla


I won’t say it was a tough school but we had our own coroner – Lenny Bruce


Love is…knowing come what may you’ll always have each other


It Doesn’t Matter Any More – Buddy Holly

Highest Chart Position: No.1 25th April 1959

©2018 Phil M Robinson