Hi Everyone.

George here. Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in?

You just think you’ve learned everything there is to know about life and the world and along comes a curved ball and smashes those thoughts to pieces.

Grandad says you’ve never done learning about life and do you know the big thing I’ve learned this week is, the old bugger’s right.

I bet you are sitting on the edge of your chair and cannot wait to hear what my life lesson has been this week.

What? You’re not? Just check, have you get a pulse?

Well, you have to wait no longer.

Our house is being wrecked by a couple of fellas who turn up in scruffy clothes every day. My Mum and Dad just let them wreck the house.

That’s lesson number one. Parents just cannot be trusted.

Sometimes I run round the house with my brick trolley, scooter or cars. I am so energetic that sometimes I crash into the cupboards in the kitchen units because I go too fast to stop. I can’t help it I’m just strong and fast. It just sort of happens.

But Mum and Dad get over excited and tell me off and I end up doing time out. But it was only an accident.

Then, theses two fellas come in to our kitchen who I have never seen before and they bang and crash and smash everything up. They then dump it in what they call a skip outside. (I’ve watched it for hours and I’ve not seen it skip.) Does Mum or Dad put them in time out? Nope!

Because they are grown up and bigger than Dad he pat’s them on the back and says they are good. That is favouritism.

My Dad tried to convince me it was “The Bob the Builder Live Roadshow”. He must think I was born yesterday. These guys were destroyers not builders.

When I looked in the kitchen they’d wrecked the place so much there was nothing left. No fridge, no cooker, no sink nothing. It was a mere shell.

Mum had cleared all the cupboards of pots and pans before they came. I think someone had tipped her off on Facebook.

I heard Mum say we had to have a new kitchen, now.

So, No.1 on “My-lack-of-understanding-of-grownups/parents List”: Why am I put in time out if my toy Lightning McQueen car accidentally nudges a kitchen unit and these fellas can smash them up and be praised?

Next, Mum and Dad say I have to spend the night at Mamma and Grandad’s because we have to have a new kitchen.

Now please do not get me wrong on this one. It has been my dream to have a sleepover by myself, without Sister Freya at Mamma and Grandad’s. It was another item to be ticked off on my bucket list. It is the reason for it that confuses me.

Listen to this: The reason I had to go and stay the night with Mamma and Grandad was because we were having a new kitchen fitted.

Does that make sense to you? No nor me.

How many times do I use the kitchen when I go to bed? Counting when I go to the loo? All of zero.

I do not even leave my bedroom to go to the loo. I suppose the main reason for that is because I am not yet potty trained.

I am put in my bed in my bedroom. My baby gate is locked and bolted and there I stay until 4.30am of a morning whether I need the sleep or not.

I never, ever set foot in the kitchen past 8 o’clock.

So, No.2 on “My-lack-of-understanding-of-grownups/parents List”: Why do they not allow me to sleep in my bedroom when these guys wreck our kitchen?

Anyway, I’m not sitting contemplating the complexities of parents’ minds especially when their idiosyncrasies work in your favour.

So at my normal bed time we set out, with my Lightning McQueen and my Spiderman and two or three overnight bags, in Mum’s car to do a sort of relay. Mum runs me to Southwell in her car where she hands me over to Mamma and Grandad as if I was the golden baton in the Olympic Games 4 x 400 metres relay race.

The great thing was the act had reduced Sister Freya to tears. No I’m not that hardhearted. Just hear me out.

The tears weren’t because she was going to miss me. It was far, far better than that! She cried because I was doing something that she desperately wanted to do. Rarely does that happen, it’s usually the opposite way. And, boy was I loving it.

As it was beyond my bed time I knew I would be in danger of falling asleep in Mamma’s car especially when Mamma’s car cut through the deep, black, coal (what’s coal?) dark, dark with headlights blazing to light our way.

I chatted all the way to Mamma’s house to keep myself awake. I wanted to make the most of this the most major of events in my life.

But when we reached Mamma’s house there was another major shock awaiting me. The fellas who had wrecked our kitchen had obviously gained access to Mamma’s house and wrecked her stairs.

She made light of it, as Mamma always does and tried to tell me she was having a new stair case. To be honest with the mess these guys had made she had no choice.

So who were these ‘baddies’, the wreckers who were going from house to house wreaking havoc?

I had a great night of relaxing with YouTube TV. Mamma and Grandad are so cute and way behind the times, so there was none of this “No watching YouTube TV, it’s crap.” Or, “No watching TV for an hour before you go to bed. It’s bad for you.” Or. “It’s bedtime at 7.00pm, you know”. Bedtime was not till I was almost shutting my eyes at 10.00pm and I was able to watch TV until 9.59pm and still had a story in bed.

I was almost too excited to sleep. My dream come true. I was sleeping in the Snow White bed in Mamma’s Nursery. Only Sister Freya had been allowed to sleep in this before. I had tried but was banned for being too young. Obviously, I eventually fell asleep, a very contented child.

I awoke at my normal time of 4.30am. I have standards to upkeep, you know. Mamma persuaded me to go back to sleep. I think she has some sort of special hypnotic powers because no one persuades me to do that at home.

At 6.30am I heard Grandad up and around. I didn’t want to miss a thing of this amazing adventure and experience.

Me and Grandad did the only thing a Grandad and Grandson can do at 6.30am of a morning, we sat in the armchair together and watched TV.

Grandad put on Milkshake and Cbeebies. He made us watch Noddy, Thomas the Tank Engine, Postman Pat and Bing.

They are so yesterday. I kept asking for YouTube Lightning McQueen and Spiderman videos. Grownups just don’t get it, do they? I said it again and again but would he listen? Would he buggery. I was just talking to myself.

Finally at 7.30am he relented. Hooray!

I thought we were cooking with gas after that. The guy came to put the stairs back. Get this. They expected me to talk to him. Yes, a stranger who’d just walked in off the street. He could have been and actually was just anybody.

Mamma asked me if I wanted to go to Rufford Park to feed the ducks.

I said, “No”. It did not take any thinking about. I just didn’t want to do it. Ducks: I’ve fed millions of them, it does not compare with watching Lightning McQueen and Spiderman videos on YouTube TV.

But grownups just have a one track mind, surprisingly even Mamma and Grandad. They just do not listen. If they want to do something they do it and you as a kid have absolutely no say. They do not take your feelings into account. They get a fixation and cannot be moved.

So they took me to feed the ducks anyway. They dragged me screaming and kicking. The trouble with Rufford Park is it is so cold and it is full of ducks and geese and some seagull-looking birds. There is not a Lightning McQueen or Spiderman anywhere.

I went to sleep in the car going. I pretended to be asleep when we got there in the hope that they would think it a pointless visit and abandon it.

But no way, they unceremoniously stuffed me in the buggy with a slice of bread for the ducks and we began our duck walk.

I buried myself deep into the corner of my buggy determined not to enjoy it and refused point blank to look at the ducks, no matter how much Grandad encouraged me. They were geese and robins anyway.

I was determined not to enjoy it under any circumstances. That would teach them a lesson.

We walked around the lake and then things started to look up. We went to a restaurant where it was warm. I had a fruit shoot and chicken dippers and chips and a massive dish of tomato ketchup. Wow, and then we found a shop with Spiderman books and Mamma bought me a Chase, Paw Patrol cuddly toy.

Do you know Rufford Park is the most amazing place under the sun and moon too. I had the time of my life. I’d never felt so excited.

Later that day I returned home. We now are so poor we do not have a kitchen. I do not know anyone else in the world that does not have a kitchen. That night I still managed to sleep in my bedroom. Fortunately the guys have not wrecked it. I don’t need anyone to wreck my bedroom for me I’m more than capable of wrecking my own room.

Well, I guess I’ll be off. Lots of wrecking to do now I know it is legal.

Bye Bye, George


We have seen better days. – Shakespeare


Happiness is…a brand new kitchen with a brand new toaster


Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you’re upside down!


Love is…when he sticks love notes on the fridge door


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Saturday 12th January 2019-01-11

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