Hi George here. Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in?

So it was the day of my birthday. My second birthday. A key day in my life.


For some reason it is only the second birthday I’ve ever had in life. Why? Why have I only just had my second birthday and some people, like my Grandad have had millions. It is so unfair!


Anyway I do not want to waste it by whinging.


Celebrations had been going on for the week before with the build up and my party and things Mum and Dad had convinced themselves were fun. And as I saw it celebrations were destined to continue.


Or am I confusing my birthday with the forthcoming Royal Wedding?


So I awoke excitedly on my actual birthday expecting the stars and got the moon. No I’m only joking. Using an expression Grandad drills into me daily. (Note: He doesn’t see me daily but if he did he would.)


But, I did my normal duties of waking the household. Wouldn’t you have thought as it was my birthday someone would have taken over waking the Reed household at 4.30am, for me, just for one day, my birthday. But no chance. It was stupid of me to expect it, really.


It’s funny how when you come to be borned you are just dumped with these strangers, parents, sisters (in some cases brothers, not in mine) grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. You won’t believe it but you are not allowed choice. You can’t even interview for the most suitable parents .


Even on Tinder you get more than a fighting chance in choosing your partner for life than I got choosing my parents and family. Before you are borned you should be able to go on a Tinder site to choose parents. Although I’m guessing I would have chosen these.


But I’m a simple lad, not one for complaining and I grew to love the dear old soles. But it still does not excuse the fact that for every single one of the 730 days of my 2 year life to date I have had the sole responsibility of waking the Reed family at 4.30am.


Someone needs to alert them to the fact there are now alarm clock apps on smart phones.


Or on second thoughts, maybe not. They may decide I don’t serve any purpose and decide to send me back. It was a tough enough and tight enough job coming out and I’ve grown so I’d find it tough travelling back.


Birthdays are huge celebrations almost as big as Christmas and what is better the focus is just on me unlike Christmas when it’s on everyone and his dog (and cat and sabre toothed tiger).


Dad was off work for my birthday. Even Mum was. Can you believe that? That shows how important my birthday is…even Mum did not go to work!


The only let down was Sister Freya. Yes, you guessed, she still went to school. That’s Big Sisters for you. I think she did that because she was so jealous I had a birthday and she didn’t have one.


She’s a bit of a schooloholic (obviously), anyway, you know.


Back to the point MY BIRTHDAY!!!


We’d had the Big Party on another day as tradition dictates. I’d had all the crap threats about no presents if I did not behave and survived it. All the excitement building had taken place, whipping me up into a giant birthday whirl.


Finally, there in all their glory where my presents under the Christmas tree. A slight exaggeration as there was no Christmas tree. No, Mum and Dad could not be arsed to get one.


The presents were brilliant though. All beautifully wrapped. A shame to open them. I think not! It’s just something you are supposed to say.


First one I opened was my own football goal net. A huge present. Well not quite as big as I had hoped but that’s what made it good. A small goal net means my mates have a very slim chance of getting a goal.


And then a two wheeler bike. Ok, it had no pedals but perfect in every other way. I wouldn’t know what to do with pedals anyway.


As a footnote: I wonder if that’s the way the bike is meant to be or whether Dad missed putting them on when he put it together?


There were a host of cards. What is the point of birthday cards? Are they to give Sister Freya something to open whilst I open my presents.


It was so satisfying opening all my presents.


Presents opened all I had to do was sit in front of the TV and wait for my birthday to be announced on Cbeebies. You know the pretty lady shows a picture of me and says “This is George who is 2 years old today with his friends Peter Rabbit, Bing, the Twirly Woos and Fireman Sam. Happy Birthday , George.”


I watched for hours and hours and hours. They announced everyone and their dog’s birthday but mine. In the end I realised the scumbag b******s at Cbeebies must have lost the card.


To a lesser child than me that could have spoilt their birthday when both their cousins had been mentioned on their birthdays, and they had the clip as a keepsake forever. But not me, I still had the Big Birthday Theme Park visit to look forward to and the Birthday McDonalds meal.


“Coat on.” Said Mum and Dad.


Great, I thought, The Special Big Birthday Theme Park visit.


I was so excited as I was put in my car seat and away we went to what I expect to be the most exciting day of my life.


After a short drive we arrived at my Big Birthday Special Treat. A meeting with a Financial Adviser at the Newark Office of the Nottingham Building Society.


How amazingly exciting was that?


Ok, it was a brand new experience for me. I had never been in the Nottingham Building Society, Newark branch before. But I have to say I did not exactly feel scared or get an adrenaline rush.


But I suppose I got a taste for money as I had no choice but to become engrossed in the conversation. My main disappointment was where was the softplay area, the trampoline, the slide, the rides the cars and most of all the food and ice cream vendor.


No wonder Grandad was so bored with a career in accounting. You have to give him credit for surviving it.


That really was my Special Big Birthday Theme Park visit. My Mum and Dad just have no idea. I worry for my future.


But at least I had McDonalds to look forward to.


But no, we’d obviously spent too long with the riveting Financial Adviser at the Newark Office of the Nottingham Building Society that it was home for another party. All the normal scroungers and hangers on turn up: Mamma, Nanny, 2 x Grandads, Cousins Rory & Ewan Uncle Julia and Auntie Ian (that’s a joke to make you laugh). But at least they all brought presents, and cards?


And I got another birthday cake? Well, not quite. Mum put all her effort into yesterday’s fantastic cake – no, she didn’t make it, the effort was put into saying to the lady who made it  “Would you make George a birthday cake for his 2nd birthday, please”.


I don’t know whether it was due to the conversation with the man at Nottingham Building Society, but Mum had cut the cake budget. All I got for my birthday was a Mr Kipling Mini Battenberg with two candles stuck in it. At least they were set on fire. I love Battenberg but you don’t get much when a Mr Kipling Mini Battenberg is shared by fourteen hangers on.


So there endeth my second birthday. Not quite what I was expecting, but that makes it a good birthday because you need a birthday full of surprises. If it turned out how you were expecting it it would be boring.


Bye Bye George





When things go wrong don’t go with them – Elvis Presley


Happiness is…your 2nd birthday


Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.


Love is…two hearts travelling the same path


What becomes of the broken hearted – Jimmy Ruffin

Highest Chart Position: No.10 15th December 1966

And…No.4 24th August 1974



©2018 Phil M Robinson