GEORGE AGED 4 BLOGS – BORIS’ GPS

Hi, George here.

Welcome to my world. You know very well you can’t come in. Stay out in the cold wind in the garden, right. I don’t want to be having to make any Neil Garmin or Gordon Ramsey type apology. Nor resigning from government. Not that I have a government position yet. But it will not be long with the pressure mum’s bringing to bear on me with this homing schooling lark.

Pressure, you’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen my mum at work on my home schooling.

To be honest, my Dad is good at home schooling too. He takes sport, PE, Golf, Football, Paddling Pool, Water Slide and Pizza Making.

To be honest I wish he took me every day instead of Mum. He’s taught me some ace football skills. And paddling pool strokes and water slide maneuverers.

You see if this lockdown goes on as long as it looks as though it is doing the England football team will be older than Grandad and everyone knows that is far too old to play football. So, they’ll be looking for some amazing new young blood just like myself. And I’ll be here all properly trained up and ready by my superstar Dad.

I already know all the necessary skills like don’t touch the ball with my hands, but I do have to kick it in the goal. I’m not sure which goal but I don’t think that matters just as long as you get the ball in a goal. And most important of all I know how to fall to the ground clutching my leg when it is a foul.

Me and others like me will be in big demand for the England squad.

As it was my fourth birthday the last time I did my Blog I bet you are thinking “What is it like being 4 years old, George?” Because you won’t know.

You would probably add, “What is it like being 4 years old, George, whilst in lockdown?”

And I would answer, ‘weird’. No kidding whatever your age, being in lockdown is weird and not natural.

Did you know a week last Sunday Boris Johnson said he had a road map to get us out of lockdown? But he’s not given us, the public, a copy. So, we haven’t a clue where we are going. In fact, he doesn’t either, I don’t think he can read maps.

Someone should buy him a GPS, especially now he has a new baby. You need a GPS when you have a baby. You can’t afford to get lost with a baby.

Although, it is probably a GPS he’s using instead of a roadmap to get us out of lockdown and it is saying “Turn around when possible. Turn around when possible.”

Would you believe that one of the calling off points on our way to getting out of lockdown is for Cousin Ewan to start back to school on 1st June and little old me to go back to nursery.

That is disgusting. No way, Hosea.

Just look at it this a-way. My Mum has been Home Educating me up to University level 24/7 throughout lockdown. I have been taught everything there is to be taught on this earth. Then you want me to go back to a basic nursery? Forget it man. I just can’t do it. It will do my head in.

I think next stop has to be online Cambridge University for me. Cambridge University have already warned me they are only doing lectures online for the academic year from September 2020.

So, in a word. I’ve come to the end of my nursery career. Alright, alright, in a sentence then! I will give a full official review of my nursery career in a few weeks’ times.

I can count to 100 now, look: 1        2              3              4              5              6              7              8              9              10           11           12                13           14           15           16           17           18           19           20           21           22           23           24           25           26                27           28           29           30           31           32           33           34           35           36           37           38           39           40                41           42           43           44           45           46           47           48           49           50           51           52           53           54                55           56           57           58           59           60           61           62           63           64           65           66           67           68                69           70           71           72           73           74           75           76           77           78           79           80           81           82                83           84           85           86           87           88           89           90           91           92           93           94           95           96                97           98           99           100         Aren’t I the brilliant one.

That is through Mum’s intensive home schooling. Her style’s less of ‘Oh, don’t worry, when you are ready.’ More a ‘You vill count to 100 before you can have your pizza tonight.’

My dad teaches me more exciting things. Ok, yes, it is the most exciting thing in the world to stand and count to 100, but Dad makes us jump from the top of farm gates in slow motion. I know I didn’t believe it either, but he films it on his phone, and it is there in true, we do actually jump in slow, slow motion. It looks so cool. He obviously has magic powers.

A week last Sunday Boris Johnson said Mum or Dad could travel as far as they wanted to see one parent. He didn’t say which one or anything about us grandchildren. He did say Mum and Dad could travel anywhere for walking as long as we could get back in one day.

So, last Saturday, Dad was at work and me, Mum and Sister Freya packed a picnic and went to have it on Mamma and Grandad’s lawn. My Mum elected to see Mamma who is her parent. Not Grandad. It wasn’t Mum’s fault she had to choose it was Boris Johnson.

But you know how naughty and mischievous Grandad is, he kept peeping from behind the curtains. It was very, very cold on Mamma’s lawn. I snuggled up under a picnic blanket and I was still cold.

After the picnic we went our walk, past Cousin Ewan and Cousin Rory’s School. I like their school. I want to go there but Mum and Dad won’t let me for some mad reason like it is a hour’s drive from where we live.

At the end of the walk we accidentally came across Cousin Rory and Cousin Ewan’s house. Mum didn’t know it was there! So, as we were there, we knocked on their door and played 2 metres away from them.

Boris Johnson said you can drive as far as you want providing you get back in a day. You can walk as far and as many times as you like but only meet with one person. I think we got most of it right, but I never heard him mention cousins.

But we had Mum with us and Mum is a schoolteacher and schoolteachers in lockdown are like in real life just  make it up as they go along.

I don’t like Boris Johnson. He won’t let me see my Mamma or Nanny properly.

You’ve heard of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, thirty-five years ago my grandad worked for a toy factory. One day they were selling some Care Bear beach balls and Grandad said, “My grandchildren, George, Freya, Rory and Ewan will enjoy playing with this Care Bear beach ball” and picked one up.

When he got home, he said to Mamma: “Look what I have brought for the grandchildren, George, Freya, Rory and Ewan.”

“You, daft bat.” Said Mamma all lovingly, “They’ve not been born for another 30 years.”

“Oh, no I forgot.” Said Grandad “I’ll put them in the garage until lockdown, for them.”

That is exactly what he did and gave it to us through Mamma last Saturday. It was brilliant.

On Monday Cousins Rory and Cousin Ewan came to see the beach ball and us as their car drive and a walk.

But are they allowed? As I say Boris Johnson didn’t mention cousins. Is seeing Grandad’s beach ball an essential? Just bear in mind their Mum is a teacher too, so she makes up her own rules.

Is that Joe Wicks I hear a-calling I’d best be off doing my PE or I will not be declared fit enough for the England Squad.

See you next time.

Bye Bye, George,