GEORGE AGED 4 BLOGS – SINGS LIKE A CANARY
Hi, George here.
Welcome to my world. Won’t you come on in? Well, you know you can’t, we’re still in lockdown. Or can you? I don’t know I’m as confused as you are.
Grandad says you can come into my world if you drive to Barnard Castle without stopping.
Do you know what he means because I don’t have a clue?
If you were my age what would be the most important thing in the world to you?
Go on guess. It is so easy peasy.
No not Spiderman.
No not my tablet.
No not The Hulk.
No not Mickey Mouse and EuroDisney.
No not my football and goal posts.
Come on it is so easy!
No not my Big Sister, Mum & Dad.
Not My Cousins Erin, Ewan, Finley or Rory.
You’re rubbish , you’re not even getting warm.
Not my Uncles and Aunts Ian, Jayne, Julia and Steve.
Not Mamma, Nanny Grandad Reed, Grandad Robinson.
Or even my Fairy Godmothers and Prince Charming Godfathers.
Do you give in?
My SCOOTER! Of course!
How could you not guess that?
You are as bad as my Mum and Dad.
One of the wheels keeps dropping off my beloved scooter. It can be a little embarrassing as I am speeding down our street, the road I live on at 125 mph (Speed limit only 20 mph but you never see a police car .) And then your wheel spins off. Very embarrassing as you grind to a halt.
Now if you have a caring Mum and Dad as I am sure you have got or you are, you’d say “Poor son of mine. Here let me order a new one immediately under express next day delivery no matter what the cost.”
That is exactly what my Uncle and Aunt did for my Cousin Rory and Cousin Ewan and their scooters were not even broken. They got them superb top of the range ones. Just as a special Lockdown gift.
Not my Mum and Dad. Do you know what they did? Bought a shag pile rug instead.
I can hear you all gasping at how you can get your priorities so badly wrong. And how can you get away with such blatant neglect of your children in these cautious times of Covid-19 lockdown.
They could have maybe got away with it if it was a magic carpet that carried me and Sister Freya on magical journeys.
On top of that we have a New Rug Massive Rule Book. These things cannot be taken on the rug:
- No drinks.
- No food.
- No poos or wees or trumps.
- No cleaning teeth on it.
- No wellies especially muddy wellies on it.
- No pots of sunflowers on it.
- No buckets of dirty or clean water on it.
- No pizza on it.
- No worms on it.
- No Tomato ketchup on it.
- No Big Mac Happy Meal on it.
- No used or unused motor oil on it
- No paddling pools on it.
- No bath toys filled with water on it.
15, No magic markers with or without tops on it.
- No blood for any reason on it, not even if you have blood pouring from a wound.
- No bicycles or scooters especially for mending on it.
- No bottles of ink on it.
- No pots of paint or slime on it.
- No Magnums or any other type of ice cream on it.
- No using it to make a den.
- No shoes on on it.
- No real whales, sharks or goldfish in or out of tanks on it.
- No Sky the dog on it.
25 No doing jig saws on it.
- Watch TV on it.
- Read a book on it.
- Sit and talk but not argue on it.
Let me ask you one very pointed question. What is the point of having a rug if you cannot use it for so many things?
Let me ask you another very pointed question. What is the point of buying a rug if it leaves you so poverty stricken you cannot buy your child a new scooter to replace his broken one?
Let me ask you another very pointed question. Is not providing your child with safe solid wheels (namely a scooter) an official offence under the Chimney Sweepers Act 1788, scooter section?
Let me ask you another very pointed question. How do I start adaption procedures to adapt Uncle Ian and Auntie JuJu as my parents?
And another thing. Did you know this May has been the sunniest May ever? And the sunniest Spring ever? I think forever started in 1929. Almost 100 years ago.
There are two Springs in the world:
Meteorological Spring runs Sunday, 1 March 2020 to Sunday, 31st May 2020 (92 Days)
Astronomical Spring runs Friday, 20 March 2020 to Saturday, 20 June 2020 (92 Days)
All the excitement is about the Meteorological Spring, all 92 days of it.
Now what I am illustrating is more neglect on my parents’ part here.
There has been 695.5 hours of sunshine this Spring 1 March 2020 to 31st May 2020. I know I have had home teaching and I have learnt to count the hours. That is 7.56 hours of sunshine every one of the 92 days.
A good caring well meaning parent would have had that paddling pool out for us every single one of those 92 days.
How many has our parents had the pool out in that period, six or seven at most. It is disgusting. A betrayal of my heritage. I am going to complain to the Children’s Laureate 2019–21 Cressida Cowell. She knows what’s what she wrote “How to Train Your Dragon”.
On top of that the pool is not fit for purpose. There is a small hole in it. Not sensible for a paddling pool that holds water. Dad’s trying to pin that one on me. Where do I get stones from?
Anyway, Dad owes us 695.5 hours less 7 hours = 687.5 hours in the paddling pool.
Did you know me, and Cousin Ewan are part of a band of scapegoats in this Covid-19 malarkey?
Out of all the 60+ million people in our country just like NHS workers, Supermarket staff and delivery men, Nursery schools and Foundation Classes were expected to start back this week. (Oh and Year 6, but I don’t know any one in Year 6, so that’s a bit of a Red Balloon.) Grandad says Red Herring. That sounds fishy to me.
So, whilst everyone continues to bask in the Spring Sunshine doing nothing in particular but lazing, me and Cousin Ewan have to go and test the water.
Well I can tell you, we will not, and no one can make us.
Grandad told me once that when Coalmines were the place everyone loved to work, coalminers used to take canaries in cages down the mines. Canaries constantly sing a sweet song, or whistle one. They had an amazing talent they knew every chart song off by heart. But it was not for that the miners wanted them for. They could have taken their transistor radios if all they wanted was music whilst they worked.
Sometimes there was gas down the mine. The canaries went first, if they bowled over the miners knew there was gas and got out quick.
They are sending us first to see if it is safe for everyone else to go back.
That’s why me and Cousin Ewan are standing firm until we know it is safe. You ain’t using us as no guinea pigs.
Not only that mum has home schooled me so intensely I would be like a university student trying to do nursery. As I said previously.
My Nursery career is through. I ain’t never going back there. It’s over, it’s over…it’s over!
Maybe with the huge Nursery Fees Mum and Dad save they could buy me a new scooter and paddling pool and still have a pot of gold left over.
It’s tough being a kid in the 2020s.
See you next time.
Au Revoir. Yes, that’s how advanced I am in languages. You don’t learn that at Nursery. Don’t get me wrong I am not ungrateful for what they have done but the time has come to move on.