George’s Christmas 2017 & New Year 2018 Blog
There is only one thing worse than having a birthday at Christmas and that is your older sister having a birthday at Christmas. Celebrations started with her party on 23rd December and ended on 31st December when Fairy Godmother Emma and Prince Charming Daniel came to visit.
Most children would create because all the focus was on their sister, but not me. As ever I searched out the positives. For example whilst all eyes were transfixed on the birthday girl they were not on me and I could and did get away with murder.
I’ll just explain how that works. At my sister’s birthday party there was an awful lot of food and goodies laid out on about five tables. Lubbly jubbly.
I just could not believe my luck they were not manned. All the adults were taken up with Sister Freya and her Troll Throne or should I say more interested in talking to one another than watching me. So the table was just the right height for me to sample food. And boy, did I? I couldn’t reach stuff at the back or sadly her two birthday cakes. Why two? Mamma said one was for cutting up, I think the other was just decoration.
I found these packets, right? And I learnt how to open them, amazing development of my coordination, hunter gatherer and tasting skills. I kept going back for another and another. Now I know my counting skills are not the best in the world but I think I had eight before anyone cottoned on to me.
And who cottoned on to what I was doing? Mum of course. But I was a bit fed up of chocolate by then, anyway.
Next day was Sister Freya’s birthday. Again I was happy that beady eyes weren’t watching my every movement. At my age you just don’t want to be watched, do you? I was allowed to peel (I think those from the South call it unwrap) some of her presents but got into trouble because I unwrapped some Christmas presents.
How would I know?
Apparently they were wrapped in Christmas paper. A bit too subtle for me that one. But there was another load of food. No chocolate lollipops today though. Mum said someone ate them all yesterday. The greedy b******* at Sister Freya’s party I bet.
Now, I don’t want to sound complaining, I’m not an ungrateful kind-a guy, but is it time Santa retired. Now it is my second Christmas, so I know full well what I am talking about, here.
We saw Santa at least twelve times. As I have said before I’m a bit shaky on my counting but I think I’m close, give or take 100. When Mum and Dad pushed me forward to see him each time I did hold back a little. Be honest would you trust a guy in a red suit and he’s wanting to know your name. You worry about security and identity theft, don’t you?
But I told him in my language who I was and what I wanted. But I got none of it: no 40 foot container loaded with chocolate bars, no real car, no real live Dalmatian, just a Disney toy one, and no real smart phone or TV remote. Very disappointing, he’s lucky to get a one star rating from me but I can live with it.
So all I could do was pin all my hope on Fairy Godmother Emma and Prince Charming Daniel’s present. They hold the record for the best present in the world ever because it is so noisy and irritates the pants off grown-ups.
They are in the Guinness Book of records as “The Very Best Noisiest Get On Grown-ups Nerves But Toddlers Love Mostest Present Buyers In The Galaxy”. Or if they aren’t me and Grandad will write it in!
There was a big drum roll. (That is like a bread roll but less cheesy). Sister Freya opened her present. It was looking hopeful, she had a recorder. Present pitched right, noisy but not ultra irritating so mine could take the crown as most irritating!
My fingers trembled as I undid the Christmas wrapping. This was to be the best day of Christmas. As the youngest in this wing of the family, as a nearly two year old I had huge responsibilities to:
- Make as much noise as I possible could
- Be as irritating to grown-ups as anybody could be
- To be as annoying as anyone could be
Fairy Godmother Emma and Prince Charming Daniel were my last ditch hope to pull this off.
I opened the present up… and YES! A guitar that played a nice melodic tune.
I know you should not use the word “nice” but it is the only word to describe it. At the side of the FANTASTIC irritating “Twinkle, twinkle little star BEE”, and the “knock-you-out-in-one-heading-ball” they’ve really dumbed down on presents this year. Boo Hoo.
Oh and the guitar has two blue lights that flash now and then. A bit like a police car all laid back after a chill pill.
It is a beautiful present and I treasure it, but tell me is a guitar that even Mamma plays because it is so melodic good for my image and street cred. Are they having a laugh? It feels as if they have consulted with Mamma on present buying. Mistake! Big, big mistake.
I do use it all the time, though and take it everywhere I go searching for the secret button I know is there somewhere that will make it explode into Queen guitarist’s Brian May’s guitar that he used in 2002 at Party At The Palace to celebrate the Queen’s Golden Jubilee when he performed ‘God Save The Queen’ from the Buckingham Palace rooftops. The guitar was so loud it reverberated through London causing mild earth tremors.
I have faith and trust in Fairy Godmother Emma and Prince Charming Daniel I know I can count on them and they will just not let me down. I depend on them for my credibility as a nearly two year old. If they don’t support me in my mission who will? Grandad I suppose, but he’s a bit too scarred of Mamma for my liking.
So how do I know about an event in 2002 when I was not born until 2016? Shall we just say that when it comes to loud eardrum bursting noise I make it my business to know.
Moving quickly on to Mamma and Grandad, they bought me a huge cardboard box for Christmas. It has the picture of a green tractor on the side. And that’s it? Wait till it’s your Christmas Mamma and Grandad, see what I buy you, A huge box with no picture on it. See if you like that.
And just a couple of final disappointments. I read the 2016 Gruffalo Annual, all the time. I take it where ever I go. OK its 2 years old, a little out of date. So I thought it goes without saying Santa will renew it and give me an updated 2018 version this year. Did he buggery? It is only what I have come to expect in this life, though.
Finally I asked for some beautiful and interesting children’s picture books. I am an avid “looker at picture books literature expert”. Ok, I got the picture books but in black and white and a pack of crayons to colour the pictures in myself, Cheapskate.
Roll on next Christmas, for I will be older and a little wiser.