How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone & 2 Other hilarious stories
jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Monday 18th October 2021
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone & 2 More hilarious stories
We’ve not laughed with the Daily Mash for awhile. Let’s put that right, right now. Here are three of their funniest stories. Excuse the language, but it is Daily Mash so what do you ******* expect.
How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone
ARE you kindly helping your ageing parents get ‘one of these Smart Phones’? Here’s how to keep your blood pressure at safe levels:
Practise having the patience of a saint
You cannot respond with sarcasm or anger to questions like ‘Is it safe to leave it turned on overnight?’ or ‘What if it turns off the neighbours’ wifi?’ Develop the necessary mental strength to by getting a friend to ask you inane questions for several hours a day, eg. ‘What’s the biggest piece of cheese?’
Prepare for an obsession with ‘big buttons’
The old are instantly drawn to any phone with ‘big buttons’, even if they can see perfectly well and the phone is a piece of crap. This will become an obsession, so prepare for weeks of challenging discussion similar to deprogramming fanatical cult members.
Do not assume any basic level of knowledge
Mobile phones are powered by magic pixie dust and never need to be charged, right? And if they get free texts, why do they have to pay for the phone? But it emits radiation, so should it be in a lead box? These and many other issues mean you should take a double Scotch on the hour every hour until the phone is bought.
Expect numerous nonsensical calls
Your parents will repeatedly call you by mistake, so all you can hear is Countryfile or biscuits being eaten. Also expect enigmatic, Rosetta Stone-style texts, such as ‘<<111<//@’.
Take care of your health
If you develop a powerful pounding sensation in your head, lie down in a darkened room and take a break from conversations like ‘We don’t want the internet on it, we should have got one with a camera like Auntie Susan’ or ‘Will Sony let us phone places in Britain, or just Japan?’
Prepare for all your good work to be in vain
Once set up with a mobile phone, your parents will do something strange like keeping it in a drawer by the landline, never taking it anywhere with them and turning it off after every call. They will then write down incoming numbers on a piece of paper and ring back on the landline a week later.
The fable of The Ant and the Grasshopper – updated for 2021
AS debate rages about who should pay for vital services, what better time to revisit Aesop’s classic fable about insect workers and freeloaders?
All summer the grasshopper played his guitar and enjoyed the sunshine. He barely noticed the ant that went by every day, collecting grain for the winter. ‘Bloody snowflakes,’ muttered the ant, who read the Express.
But soon it turned cold and the grasshopper was forced to go round to the ant’s house and ask him for a little grain to see him through the winter. ‘No,’ said the ant bluntly. ‘You should have planned your financial future properly. I’m sick of scroungers.’
‘By the way, see this house? It’s worth £375,000. That’s because I was clever enough to buy at the right time,’ added the ant smugly, although really he’d just bought it at random before the insane housing boom.
The grasshopper went hungry throughout the winter. But he’d learnt his lesson, and in spring he got a badly-paid job at the insect Amazon warehouse.
But soon he discovered he’d have to pay part of his meagre salary toward social care for elderly insects. ‘So much for having plenty of delicious grain,’ he thought, bitterly. ‘Plus it looks like I’ll be renting a flat for the rest of my life. My cooker’s in the f**king living room.’
Meanwhile the ant was having problems of his own. He’d had to go into a care home and was having to sell his house to pay for it. There’d hardly be an inheritance for his ant children, who were hoping someone would pour a kettle of boiling water on him and finish him off quickly.
The grasshopper visited the ant in his rather grim care home. ‘Looks like we’re both f**ked,’ said the ant. ‘Yes,’ said the grasshopper. ‘D’you want to share my last bit of Tesco own brand grain? It’s not very nice.’
Moral: If you expect this government to sort out the social care and housing crisis, it’s about as likely as talking, guitar-playing, homeowning insects.
‘Play Dancing Queen again’: five requests DJs f**king love
DJs are so grateful when inexperienced strangers tell them how to do their job. Become their favourite person with these suggestions:
‘Play Dancing Queen again’
There’s a reason why no DJ will play the same song twice in a set – they’re too scared of how great it would be. Everyone loved it when you and your friends screamed ‘this is our song’ and cleared the dance floor to do a half-remembered routine, and the DJ will be ecstatic to watch you have a second crack at that shit.
‘Put on some proper music’
This one is the perfect request for people whose skinny jeans are trying to fight the effects of ageing as desperately as they are. Best given in the form of a half-sung, half-slurred yell from the other side of the room while the DJ is crossfading between obscure tracks. They’ll really appreciate your expert direction.
‘Will you play some of my band’s stuff?’
Classic chart-toppers and party anthems won’t fill the floor like your seven-minute-long acoustic guitar track about your first girlfriend dumping you. It’s not on iTunes or Spotify but whoever’s behind the decks will happily let you connect your phone to their system, or, even better, pause everything to let you perform it drunk and live.
‘Why won’t you play [INSERT DISGRACED MUSICIAN HERE]?’
Wondering why the DJ isn’t playing bangers recorded by a criminally convicted singer at a family occasion? They’ve probably just forgotten how great their tunes are, so give them a polite reminder. Commercial radio stations may have banned this artist’s music from the air, but that doesn’t mean this christening has to.
‘Play Dancing Queen again’
No, not an editorial blunder on our part. The DJ may have told you where and how to go and f**k yourself last time you requested this, but they just didn’t understand. Yell this request into their ear for a second or third time and they’ll happily cue it up.
TOP TEN OF THE DAY
TOP TEN Great unremarked changes of our lifetime
- Duvets replacing sheets and blankets in the 1970s
- Nobody phones mum and dad with three rings any more
- Rolling luggage
- Street design – getting rid of pedestrian railings, mostly.
- Wine used to be only occasional, sweet and in tiny glasses. Coffee used to be only instant and horrible.
- People clean up after their dogs (usually)
- The end of lunchtime drinking
- The Flynn Effect: We’ve been getting more intelligent for 80 years. This is true. Or, at least, average IQ scores have been rising at about three points a decade on average.
- It used to be only the urban rich who could buy out of season. Now it’s only the urban rich who want to buy in season.
- The annual number of deaths on UK roads has fallen by two thirds in 30 years.
REMEMBER: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– Nicolas Chamfort
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY
“Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.” – Unknown
Happiness is…a month named September.
GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
Love is…at the heart of all you do.
A time to ask the DJ to play Dancing Queen…A time to ask the DJ to play ‘some proper stuff’.
1745 At the Drury Lane Theatre, London, God Save the King, the national anthem, was sung for the first time. The score used was prepared by Thomas Augustine Arne (1710-1778) leader of the orchestra and composer of Rule Britannia.
1884 Simon Marks, a Polish immigrant, and Yorkshireman Tom Spencer opened their Penny Bazaar in Leeds, setting the foundations for the Marks and Spencer chain.
1923 The Radio Times was first published.
©2021 Phil M Robinson