Toilet Paper Alternatives
CORONABOBS ISOLATION DAY 4 – Diary of a Self-Isolator
Out of toilet paper? I have scanned the internet to find alternatives to get you through.
- Paper: Paper is probably the first thing you look for when you find yourself in a comprising bathroom situation. Be it notebook pages, phone book pages, or letters from your ex-wife, it’s common sense! However, some papers are more abrasive than others, so it’s a good idea to wet the paper first. You don’t want paper cuts where the sun don’t shine. For the most comfortable paper wipes, try newspaper. Newspaper is great for soaking up… moisture. Put a stack in the bathroom for reading and wiping!
- Bidet: The one thing that’s even better than toilet paper? A bidet! Europeans know that when your bathroom has a bidet, you won’t even have to bother with toilet paper. For those of you who don’t know, a bidet is a water bath for your bum.
- Bum Gun: In Southeast Asia, all toilets have a hose next to the toilet that you use to spray yourself instead of wiping. Just point and squeeze the nozzle to spray. This method is convenient, thoroughly cleans you, and totally eliminates your reliance on toilet paper.
- Sponge: A long time ago, in the days of Ancient Rome, the royals cleaned their butts with a sponge on a stick. More specifically, a communal sponge on stick that was reused! Now, if you were born in the 21st century, you know not to share or even reuse a bum sponge. However, when you’re in a real pinch, grab a sponge from the sink, wipe, and throw it away.
- Cloth Rags: When you think “rags”, don’t limit your imagination to those cut up pieces of fabric used for cleaning. Rags could refer to old clothes or towels that you don’t plan on using anymore. Make sure to pick something soft because you don’t want to end up with rashes or scratches on your butt. The sustainable side here is that you can wash your rags (even bleach them) and reuse them.
- Sanitary Napkin. It’s about time to stop this taboo fixed onto menstruation and menstrual items, especially if you’re desperate for a wipe. Ask your lady friends if they have an extra pad. Just take off the wrapping, and you’ll find that a menstrual pad is kind of like a thicker sheet of toilet paper. Some pads are long and cottony soft, too!
- Cotton Balls or Wipes: Us ladies and moms often carry around a beauty bag or a first aid kit. (Always be prepared!) Odds are, there are some cotton balls or pads in those kits which are a godsend when you need to wipe. Plus, they’re usually thick enough so that your hands won’t get dirty in the process.
- Corn on the Cob: Didn’t you know? Corn husks were the earliest toilet paper! The green husks are soft enough for toilet use, and they don’t spoil quickly after husking. If you can, aim for the middle layer of husks rather than the first outside layer. The outer layers are harder and the layer near the corn is too thin.
- Receipts: What about those times that you casually take a squat and only realize afterward that you have no wiping material within reach? Have no fear, your wallet is here! Open up your wallet, purse, whatever, and there’s a good chance that you have a useless grocery store receipt just waiting to be useful!
- Your Hand: Don’t forget to wash it afterwards!
Bonus: 1. Sandpaper. Available in plentiful supply at all Wilko’s, Homebase ScrewFix & DIY stores
Just remember, about four billion people don’t use toilet paper. About 70% – 75 % of the world’s population does not use toilet paper.