Six people who clearly think they’re better than you from The Daily Mash

Six people who clearly think they’re better than you from The Daily Mash

jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Wednesday 6th April 2022

 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Happy New Tax Year – 6th April 2022!!!

Six people who clearly think they’re better than you from The Daily Mash

And now our weekly visit to The Daily Mash to cheer us up a bit. And with the usual adage ‘Mind the language’.

FEELING belittled? Put down? Then you’ve just finished an interaction with one of these types who believe themselves very much your superior:

Your boss

Who does your boss think they are? Ordering you around like they hold a contract over your soul. Being paid shitloads more than you and being much more experienced and qualified has gone to their head. Show them who’s the real boss by doing a really half-arsed job. Who’s superior now?

A cashier

Just listen to their demeaning questions: ‘Do you need a bag?’ ‘Are you paying contactless?’ ‘Is that everything?’ They’re clearly drunk on power. The way they face up the shelves reeks of self-appointed arrogance. Your custom pays their wages, so they should show you respect as you make your daily purchase of two bottles of Co-op Irresistible Prosecco and a sharing bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos.

A pedestrian

The person walking in front can’t see you, but their swaggering gait and swaying arms says that they think they’re the dog’s bollocks. Voice your disapproval by loudly overtaking them with a stomping march while rolling your eyes and audibly sighing. That’s what humility and regard for your fellow man looks like.

The postman/postwoman

They only lower themselves to knock on the door when you need to sign for something; the rest of the time you’re not good enough. They’re corrupted by wearing a uniform and having their own special little van. The sooner they’re replaced by drones, the better.

A toddler

They’re treated like they’re sweet and innocent, but toddlers act like feudal lords and we’re the rag-wearing peasantry scrabbling around in the mud. Sure, toddlers are only just developing an understanding that the world includes others, but that’s no reason to behave like they’re the centre of the universe.

A photo of you from five years ago

Urgh, just look at this prick, beaming away in a holiday photo in Sicily. Not all of us can afford jaunts abroad in the current climate, mate, read the room. Plus they’re younger and skinnier and happier than you. Truly a loathsome twat with their head up your arse.

GO TO DAILY MASH SITE – Beware of the language

 

 

TOP TWENTY TWO OF THE DAY

HMRC reveals ‘Top 22 oddest excuses’ for late tax returns.

Ok, I know 31 January was tax return deadline, but I thought to celebrate the new Tax Year some of the excuses for late returns may cheer us up.

The following bizarre, exotic and flimsy excuses have all been used by tardy taxpayers:

  1. My pet goldfish died (self-employed builder)
  2. I had a run-in with a cow (Midlands farmer)
  3. After seeing a volcanic eruption on the news, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else (London woman)
  4. My wife won’t give me my mail (self-employed trader)
  5. My husband told me the deadline was 31 March, and I believed him (Leicester hairdresser)
  6. I’ve been far too busy touring the country with my one-man play (Coventry writer)
  7. My bad back means I can’t go upstairs. That’s where my tax return is (a working taxi driver)
  8. I’ve been cruising round the world in my yacht, and only picking up post when I’m on dry land (South East man)
  9. Our business doesn’t really do anything (Kent financial services firm)
  10. I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns (London ac
  11. I was up a mountain in Wales, and couldn’t find a postbox or get an internet signal
  12. I fell in with the wrong crowd
  13. A work colleague borrowed my tax return, to photocopy it, and didn’t give it back
  14. My wife was seeing aliens and wouldn’t let me in the house
  15. My tax papers were left in the shed and the rat ate them
  16. I’m not a paperwork orientated person – I always relied on my sister to complete my returns but we have now fallen out
  17. My accountant has been ill
  18. I will be abroad on deadline day with no internet access so will be unable to file
  19. My business doesn’t really do anything,
  20. My niece had moved in – she made the house so untidy I could not find my log in details to complete my return online
  21. I had an argument with my wife and went to Italy for five years
  22. I had a cold which took a long time to go

 

REMEMBER: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

– Nicolas Chamfort

 

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.” —Dalai Lama

HAPPINESS IS…

Happiness is…a new Tax Year, isn’t it?

GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY

“According to a recent survey, 12% of Americans say that it’s fine to cheat a little on your taxes, while the other 88% know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.” ― Jimmy Fallon.

LOVE IS…

Love is…everything.

TURN…TURN…TURN!

A time to face a toddler…a time to face a cashier.

 

 

 

 

©2022 Phil M Robinson