Six questions Dominic Cummings should have been asked
jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Friday 23rd July 2021
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
NOT SUITABLE FOR THE UNDER 18s THANK YOU
We’ve not featured anything from the hilarious and my favourite website lately. So as part of the Friday feeling let’s put that right. But be warned there is bad language and the occasional sexual reference. If you are likely to be offended please go wash the dishes or do your ironing instead. I did warn you!
‘Why are you such a tw**?’ and five other questions Dominic Cummings should have been asked
LAURA Kuenssberg’s interview with the prime minister’s former SPAD was packed with explosive revelations we already knew. Here’s what he should have been asked:
Why are you such a twat?
Did your parents not give you enough attention, or were you so unpopular at school that your only friend was a BBC Micro? How are you still convinced you’re a genius when everything you do f**ks up? Why are you replying by leaning back saying ‘nobody can be 100% certain if I am a twat or not,’ like a twat?
What’s with the sneering?
Was your Mekon face born with a disdainful sneer plastered across it, or is it an uncontrollable reflex that only kicks in when you’re bitching about your old boss? You do realise that being superior to Boris f**king Johnson is no achievement, you self-important prick?
Why should we believe you this time?
You lied to win Brexit, you lied to win an election, you lied through your bastard teeth about the Durham road trip shitshow. So why should we believe a word? We only accept that Boris is an incompetent clown who should be desposed for Britain’s good because the evidence is overwhelming.
How jealous are you of Carrie?
I mean it’s obvious mate. When it comes to pulling the PM’s strings you were beaten at your own game. But do you also fancy him, a bit? Did he once fall asleep on your shoulder on the Vote Leave bus and you treasure the memory?
How badly did you f*** this up?
Less than two years ago you were the man behind an 80-seat Tory majority. Now you’re out of government, out of work, hated by the nation and hell-bent on a revenge mission which is achieving nothing. Could you have f**ked it more?
Johnson, Gove, Sunak: snog, marry, avoid?
Which is it, Cummings? Do you want to kiss Boris firmly on the lips? Could you see yourself spending life betrothed to wealthy Sunak? Surely everyone would avoid Gove? Answer the question, Cummings, you might as well, you’ve got nothing else to say that anyone gives a shit about.
Do you only have the one shirt?
Why do you constantly have your hand over your mouth as you speak in the interview?
Have you been to SpecSavers, yet?
Six things better than sex when you’re in your 40s
IN THEORY you’re totally down to make love, but since you turned 40 there’s so much that’s more satisfying than that:
An empty sink
Imagine waking up for work without the washing-up waiting for you. Making a cuppa without first scraping the greasy sediment of take-away scum from your bowl. The deep pleasure of not eying last night’s burned-on lasagne as you eat cereal. Sexy times.
Watching a full movie
Remember the time before kids? Those heady evenings when you could devote a full 120 minutes to the suspension of disbelief? And now, on a rare night when the kids are asleep, you’re expected to cut The Meg short just to have sex? F**k that. Whole movie, uninterrupted, start to finish. What a horny way to spend a night.
Ironing your clothes and putting your T-shirts on hangers
You kinky bastard. Reaching into the wardrobe for a clean pressed shirt and feeling the erotic thrill of the fabric beneath your fingers. Glancing at the empty washing basket with satiated pride. You did that, you provocative little beast. And you deserve it.
The anticipation of sex can give you a buzz all evening, but so can a nicely chilled Riesling. And you can make it last an hour then open another bottle, which is very much not the case with sex anymore. So uncork with abandon and let it do what it wants to your body.
You used to be a voracious reader. Now you manage 15 minutes on a good night, and a third of that’s spent trying to remember who’s who. God, imagine the sensual thrill of being in bed early, your partner already asleep, and finishing a whole chapter. So arousing.
A bunch of other things that need no explanation
Hot pizza. Cold pizza. Sunny weather on a bank holiday weekend. Affordable curtain rails. Calling a support centre and not having to hold. Remembering where you put your glasses. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
PS FROM ME:
Don’t worry it gets better in your 70s.
Both items coutesy of the BRILLIANT https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/
TOP TEN OF THE DAY
Top Ten Saddest Songs
1 Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton
2 Hurt – Johnny Cash
3 Wake Me Up When September Ends – Green Day
4 My Immortal – Evanescence
5 Yesterday – The Beatles
6 Stan – Eminem
7 Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd
8 How to Save a Life – The Fray
9 Hello – Evanescence
10 Creep – Radiohead
I love this song. Everyone at one point has probably felt like a loser, someone who doesn’t fit in. Creep is also beautiful in the sense that it captures how you feel like everyone around you has perfect lives and are literal angels compared to your rotten, stinking self. And Radiohead has even more depressing tunes.
REMEMBER: The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– Nicolas Chamfort
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You cannot find peace by avoiding life. -Michael Cunningham.
Happiness is…making fun of Dominic Cummings
GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY
“British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.” Milo McCabe
Love is…blessing the day I found you.
A time for record breaking highest temperatures…A time for the wildest most terrifying thunder and lightning storms.
1984 Vanessa Williams, 1st African American Miss America, resigns after Penthouse publishes unauthorized nude photos of her.
1992 Bruce Springsteen begins a world tour.
2011 British singer-songwriter Amy Winehouse, who won five Grammy Awards for her Motown-inspired Back to Black (2006) but struggled with substance-abuse problems, died from alcohol poisoning at the age of 27.
BOOK OF THE DAY
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RETRO HIT RECORD RAMBLINGS
Reflections of a Top Hit Record
THE AMAZING AMY WINEHOUSE 14 September 1983 – 23 July 2011
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©2021 Phil M Robinson