WEEKLY COLUMN

jeanniejeanniejeannie.co.uk BLOG Friday 11th September 2020

WEEKLY COLUMN

From a very young age I have always enjoyed reading weekly columns written by people in daily or weekly newspapers and magazines.

My earliest memories are of Cassandra’s column in the Daily Mirror and the controversy of his remarks about Liberace.

My real favourite used to be Keith Waterhouse in the Daily Mirror. I found him very funny. He was a writer of funny books and comedy radio and TV too. There was the “Alley Cat” in the New Musical Express. “Letter To America” by Alastair Cooke which was a sort of Radio column on Radio 4.

I used to enjoy John Peel in the Radio Times.

There was the Beachcomber column in the Daily Express. Beachcomber is a nom de plume that has been used by several journalists writing a long-running humorous column on the Daily Express. It was originated in 1917 by Major John Bernard Arbuthnot MVO as his signature on the column, titled ‘By the Way’. The name Beachcomber was then passed to D. B. Wyndham Lewis in 1919 and, in turn, to J. B. Morton, who wrote the column till 1975. It was later revived by William Hartston, current author of the column.

There have been many columns in Private Eye headed up by Lord Gnome.

In recent years there has been Bel Mooney in the Daily Mail along with Littlejohn of course. I really enjoy Caitlin Moran in the Times, Polly Toynbee in the Radio Times and Stuart Maconie and Will Self, Victoria Coren along with many more.

The Yorkshire Post have many good columnists.

I suppose the most successful and the one who made the most money at column writing was Boris Johnson with the Daily Telegraph.

Anyway. my dream like many a writer has always been to have a “well paid” weekly column with a newspaper or magazine. I would just love doing a humorous one. Any offers?

The weekly column has not gone unnoticed by The Daily Mash. They recently posted this item:

“DO you write a column about your bourgeois life for a national newspaper? Need topics? Try these to get you started:

Not losing weight

Anyone can lose weight, but pretending it’s empowering to be porky is the stuff of great columns. And since it’s something you’re not doing it’s as thrilling as an account of not visiting Thailand. Six months later get a personal trainer, lose the blubber and brag about how great you feel.

Your child’s academic achievements

You have a national platform, so why not use it to grind your own personal axe about Felix or Persephone not getting into Oxford? Be highly melodramatic about it, with headlines like, ‘My daughter was rejected by Corpus Christie. Will her heart ever heal?’

Domestic repair work

Houses are always needing to be fixed or repaired or extended, and your deadline’s now and there’s a bloke in the house with spanners, so why not write 1,200 words about him?

Your middle-class partner

Make them really sensible while you’re a daffy one-off, or use them to animate your tiresome cliches ie ‘sometimes I think Peter loves his shed more than me!’ Actually Peter rarely visits his shed because he’s busy managing the property empire bought with your faux-naive columns.

Anything that only affects you

Never hesitate to bang on about an issue that 99.91 per cent of the population will never encounter. Council refusing you planning permission for a moat? Moan about it like it’s a national concern up there with child poverty.

Actually writing the column

You’ve reached the bottom of the barrel but keep scraping. Readers love 900 words about being too distracted to write 900 words, or intermittent home broadband.

BACK TO ME:

Ok, maybe that last one smacks of this post, but I’ll have you know it’s just short of 900 words.

 

DON’T FORGET TO LAUGH EVERYDAY ESPECIALLY WHILST IN ISOLATION

 

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.”

— Zig Ziglar

HAPPINESS IS…

Happiness is…writing a weekly column

GRANDAD’S ONE LINER JOKE OF THE DAY

I was a trampoline salesman… it had its ups and downs.

LOVE IS…

Love is…going wild together

WHAT IS THERE A SEASON FOR TODAY TURN, TURN, TURN …

A time to write a book…A time to write a weekly column

SOMETHING TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT & GRATEFUL FOR IN THE WORLD

Thank you for our green and pleasant land of fields hills and mountains – just beautiful

SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT

Norman Thelwell’s Pony Cartoons Norman Thelwell (3 May 1923 – 7 February 2004) was an English cartoonist well known for his humorous illustrations of ponies and horses.

TOP TIPS FROM VIZ MAGAZINE

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

TOTAL STAIRWAY TO EVEREST CLIMB CHALLENGE

Wednesday 10/9/2020 DAY 159        18 Times – 162 Feet               Cumulative Total 23,715 Feet

 

 

 

©2020 Phil M Robinson